Aragorn's Apples: The FotRand Apples
by Pyro Vampiress
Summary: While in Bree, the hobbits meet up with Aragorn Strider. He is to lead them to Rivendell on request of Gandalf. But strange things start happening after Aragorn takes a bite of an apple of his while in Bree. He later reveals to the hobbits a secret about
1. In the Inn

(summary cont.) these apples, but what no one, not even he, realizes is that these apples are from ordinary. My story can also be found at under the penname Gondors TRUE queen.

Frodo Baggins and his friends Samwise (Sam) Gamgee, Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck, and Peregrin (Pippin) Took were sitting together at a table in the Prancing Pony Inn in Bree, waiting for their wizard friend, Gandalf, who liked marshmallows. They sipped ale and watched the barman, Butterbur play Twister with some other men.

"Hmm…" said Merry thoughtfully. "I'll be right back."

And without any explanation whatsoever, Merry stood up and walked away. He returned a few minutes later with a larger, slightly overflowing mug of ale.

"What is that!" Pippin exclaimed.

"This, my friend," Merry grinned, "is a pint."

"It comes in pints?" asked Pippin curiously.

"It comes in not only pints, but quarts and gallons also."

"I'm getting one!" Pippin said, hurrying away.

An hour passed and Gandalf had still not shown up yet. As Frodo kept annoyingly reminding the others, Gandalf was supposed to have been at the inn before they even arrived.

"Maybe he fell in a hole," Sam shrugged. "You know how clumsy he is."

"Hey, uh, Frodo, that guy's staring at you," Merry said quietly, pointing over Frodo's shoulder.

"What?" Frodo said, turning around in his seat.

Sure enough, a man that was hooded and cloaked was sitting by himself in a corner, smoking a pipe and, as far as Frodo could tell, staring at him. He noticed that the smoke emitted from the pipe changed into different things with each puff: first ducks, then rabbits, then beavers. Frodo looked back at the others.

"Do you think I should say something to him?" he asked.

"Well, if you do, make sure it's kind, because not only is that guy about twice your height, but he also looks like he wants to murder someone," Sam said.

Frodo looked back over his shoulder; yes, the man was indeed still staring at him. Frodo nodded, then stood up and walked over to the man, stopping right in front of him. While the man was sitting in his chair, he was at about the same height as Frodo, but Frodo could tell that if the man stood up, he would tower over him.

"Er…hi," Frodo said cautiously. "I couldn't help notice you were staring at me."

The man said nothing, did nothing.

"Um, I was kind of wondering why…"

The man reached under his cloak and pulled out a purple bow tie. Then, he leaned forward and put the bow tie on Frodo.

"Uh…thank you!" Frodo said. "So, could you-"

He stopped talking, for a butterfly had just landed on his nose. He looked at it, cross-eyed, and the man snatched it from his nose in one swift movement. The man brought the butterfly under the shadow of his hood and, apparently, put the butterfly on his own nose.

"All right then," Frodo muttered. "I guess I'm going to go back to my table…"

He turned on the man and began to walk away. He decided that it might be a good idea to put the One Ring on his finger so that the man would, hopefully, stop his relentless staring. He stopped walking and slipped the ring over his finger. Immediately, he vanished on the spot. Frodo turned around to see how the man had reacted to his sudden disappearance, if he had reacted at all.

He had.

The man leapt from his chair and charged at Frodo at a sprint while drunk Butterbur shouted, "Hey, the little short guy learned how to Disapparate…oh, wait a minute………"

Perhaps it was the shock of having the man who had stared at him silently for the passed hour charging at him, but Frodo did not have time to prevent the man from pouncing on him. The man was lying on top of Frodo, who was quite uncomfortable as far as personal space went, and trying to wrestle the ring from his finger. Frodo struggled and slid the hand with the be-ringed finger up the back of his own shirt to make it more difficult. The man gave up with trying to take the ring from Frodo's finger after a moment, grabbed him by the arm, and dragged him upstairs. He dragged Frodo into a large room with multiple beds and candles. Then, he locked the door and pinned Frodo to the floor with his foot, unsheathing a sword and pointing it at Frodo's chest.

"Take it off!" the man barked. "Now!"

Recognizing defeat, Frodo pulled the ring from his finger.

"There," the man said, putting away his sword. "Now was that so hard?"

"Who are you?" Frodo asked as the man began to walk towards one of the candles.

"My name is Strider. And please be more careful; that is no trinket you carry," he added as he stopped by the candle.

"I carry nothing!" Frodo denied.

"Indeed," the man called Strider said sarcastically. "What do you think I am, stupid? Ouch!" He had just tried to pinch the candle's flame out with two of his fingers and failed. He put them in his mouth, sucking on them for a moment, then tried again and succeeded. "Hee, hee, hee," he giggled.

"What do you want?" asked Frodo suspiciously.

"A little more caution from you," Strider answered, pinching out more candles. "Again, that is no trinket you carry. And," he added distractedly as he pinched out the last candle, "I would like you to come with me."

Strider walked over to where Frodo sat on the floor and crouched down so they were at eye level. Then, he lowered his hood. He had dark, somewhat unkempt hair, blue eyes, and dark stubble on his face. The butterfly was still perched on his nose and Frodo was surprised to see that the man was smiling.

"Why do you want me to come with you?" Frodo questioned. Strider had opened his mouth to respond, but they heard voices outside their door, then, an attempt to open it.

"It's locked!" said Pippin's voice.

"Oh, move over!" Sam snapped. "Alohomora!"

Sam, Merry, and Pippin burst through the door, wielding a picture frame, a measuring stick, and a rock, each brandishing their "weapon" at Strider.

"Let him go, or I'll have you, Longshanks!" Sam roared at Strider, who had been watching the hobbits, amused, until Sam said "Longshanks", then, he looked annoyed.

"Why does everyone call me that!" he said. "My name is Strider, I tell you! STRIDER!"

The hobbits all stared at him; Sam, Merry, and Pippin lowered their objects. Strider looked embarrassed, cleared his throat, locked the door again, and sat on one of the beds, indicating for the hobbits to do the same.

"You can no longer wait for the wizard," he sighed. "You hobbits will need to come with me."

"Why?" Merry asked.

"I'm sure Gandalf will explain when we meet him in Rivendell," Strider answered.

"Rivendell!" exclaimed Sam. "We're going to see the elves!" He gave a wild fan-girl scream and fainted, collapsing on his bed. Everyone stared across the room at him for a moment, then Strider continued to talk.

"Yes, anyways," he said, "I will be leading you to Rivendell where you will hopefully meet up with Gandalf. You will need my protection, for they will never stop hunting you."

"Who won't stop hunting us?" Pippin frowned. Then, an expression of utter horror appeared on his face. "Not-not the F.B.I.!"

"Noo…" Strider said slowly, eying Pippin suspiciously. "I am talking about the ring wraiths, the Nazgul, leaders of the I.L.S. Fan Club."

"What's that?" asked Frodo.

"The 'I Love Sauron Fan Club'. Now, here's the plan: we will sleep here tonight; I will keep watch. We will leave early tomorrow morning after a quick breakfast. From here we will make our way to Rivendell, and I hope we get there without any problems."

Strider took a green apple out from under his cloak, sank his teeth into it, and chewed noisily. Just then, a wild shriek from the Nazgul echoed deafeningly around them. Strider sprang off of his bed, the apple still in his mouth, and unsheathed his sword while Merry giggled, "Screechy, screechy! Hee, hee, hee!"


	2. Pippin's Hunger

"Where are they?" Frodo asked, frightened.

Strider strode over to the window and peered outside. He could see four ring wraiths riding black horses in the street below, turning in many different directions.

"'Et down!" Strider hissed to the hobbits, muffled by his apple. Merry and Pippin dropped to the ground as if a bomb had gone off and Frodo pulled the still unconscious Sam off his bed and to the floor with him. Strider looked back out the window. He watched as the four black riders turned and galloped the other way, screeching angrily. Then, the one in front of the others tripped and fell. The ones behind it tripped over it and all four of them were disentangled with each other on the ground. Then they all managed to get back on their mounts and ride away.

Strider drew the curtains over the window and sat on the floor with the hobbits. Frodo was eying Pippin rather strangely.

"You look hot, Pippin!" Frodo exclaimed.

"Er…you do remember we're cousins, right?" Pippin said nervously, looking embarrassed.

"No, I mean temperature-wise."

Pippin looked utterly relieved and mopped his sweaty face. Strider looked relieved as well. He gave a sigh, then took another bite of apple. Immediately following this, there was a twist of the doorknob: Someone was trying to come in!

Strider stood up quietly and motioned for the hobbits to remain silent. They each scurried under a bed (Sam had just regained consciousness). Then they heard voices.

"Damn! It's locked!" a voice spat.

"Try knocking, you fool!" hissed a second voice.

There were three knocks on the door. Strider did not know what to do. He needed to make sure he kept the hobbits alive, but a sword wasn't going to drive the Nazgul away; he could easily tell it was them. As he began to think frantically, the butterfly on his nose opened its mouth and spoke in a high-pitched, womanly voice.

"Who is it?"

"Uh…" the first ring wraith said, "I-um-work at the inn here. Yeah. I just needed to go over something in your bill…"

"Oh! Okay! Well, I'm naked right now, but go ahead, please come in!" the butterfly answered, still in that squeaky female voice. Strider tiptoed to the door and pressed his ear against it.

"Maybe we should leave," the second voice mumbled. "We can find them another time. Number seven probably got the wrong place again anyway; this was supposed to be the room they're staying in if they were indeed staying in this pub, but it doesn't look as if they are."

"Yeah, let's go," the first voice agreed. "I'm gonna KILL number seven!"

"You can't," the second voice sighed sadly. "He's already dead, just like the rest of us."

Strider heard the sound of beings walking down the stairs. He then walked over to his bed, and sat on it, covering his face in his hands.

There was another knock on their door.

"Housekeeping!" called a cheery, deep woman's voice. "Can I get you some fresh towels?"

Strider took his apple and whipped it at the door; it hit dead center with a loud thump and there were hurried footsteps down the stairs. The hobbits crawled out from under their beds.

"What the hell?" Merry said, frowning at the butterfly. It fluttered into the air and looked at them all. "It talked…"

"What?" the butterfly asked cooly, now speaking in a male voice. "Trolls can even talk and they're stupid, but butterflies can't talk? What's so strange about that?"

"You saved our lives, little guy," Strider said kindly.

"Little!" the butterfly snapped. "You think I'm little!"

"Um-well, yeah…" Frodo said. The butterfly snorted.

"Well, thanks, anyway," Strider said quickly. "What's your name?"

"Bill," the butterfly answered matter-of-factly.

So Bill remained with Strider and the hobbits over night. The hobbits quickly fell asleep and Strider leaned against a wall, bored. To keep himself amused, he decided to juggle three bowling pins he just happened to have with him. This kept him amused for some time, until he threw one of them too high and it fell on the top of his head.

He also couldn't help noticing that, in the dark, Merry seemed to try to sneak over to where Sam was sleeping, but Strider would notice and chuck one of his bowling pins at him.

At dawn, Strider woke the hobbits and they left their room to eat at the bar. Butterbur was now sober to their delight. He cooked them breakfast on no charge.

"Hey, Butterbur," Strider said curiously, "Did you happen to see any strange figure dressed in quantities of black last night?"

"Oh, yeah!" Butterbur said cheerfully. "Yeah, there were four of them. They bought a lot of drinks and left a little tipsy. Two more came just after they left. They said they wanted to take a look upstairs so I let them! Then they came back down looking a little pissed. I don't know why…"

"I see," Strider frowned. "Thanks, Butterbur." He turned to the hobbits and muttered, "That's probably why the four I saw in the street tripped over each other: they were too drunk."

After a large breakfast, Strider led the others from the inn and out of Bree. They received many strange looks from people that were doing work outside. It might have been because Strider had a butterfly on his nose and he kept stopping to straighten Frodo's bow tie.

Once out of Bree, Strider hurried ahead a little as they traveled through woods. He seemed to be checking to see if anyone was ahead of them.

While out of earshot, Merry said quietly and mistrustfully, "How do we know that this Strider is a friend of Gandalf's?"

"We have no choice but to trust him," Frodo said.

"But where's he leading us?" Sam asked desperately.

"Into the wild," Strider called over his shoulder.

"He's got good ears," Pippin mumbled admittedly. Merry shrugged grudgingly.

They walked on more of the way and through a bug infested area. Strider merely walked through the clouds of insects as though he did this every day, but the hobbits slapped annoyingly at various parts of their bodies where bugs kept biting and landing on them.

"Ignore them!" Strider snapped as Pippin stopped to choke on a fly that had zoomed into his mouth. "They're just bugs!"

"Oh, I HATE buggies!" Frodo whined, stomping his foot. Strider rolled his eyes, turned around, and continued walking.

A few hours later, once they were out of the buggy areas, Strider realized that all of the hobbits had stopped walking and were crouched by the ground.

"Gentlemen! We do not stop till nightfall!" he said reprovingly.

"What about breakfast?" Pippin asked, standing up.

"We've already had it."

"We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?"

Strider rolled his eyes again and heaved a sigh of exasperation, walking away.

"I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip," Merry said gently as he and the other hobbits stood up.

"What about elevensies? Luncheons? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper! He knows about them, doesn't he?"

"I doubt it," Merry said, clapping Pippin on the shoulder. "The guy looks strong, but I get the feeling he doesn't get his strength from food. He doesn't seem to need to eat much…"

Merry took a step forward when an apple flew at him from somewhere up ahead. He caught it, handed it to Pippin, patted him on the shoulder, and continued walking. Another apple flew directly at Pippin. It bounced off his head and he caught it, surprised, when Merry called his name reprovingly from ahead. Frodo and Sam had already passed Pippin, who jogged a little to catch up with everyone.

Pippin took a bite of one of his apples, hungry, and as he chewed, something pointy started jabbing him in the back of his head.

"Ouch!" he said, turning around. A strange, black bird was hovering by him. It had plainly just been pecking at him. "Get away!" Pippin said, aggravated, flapping a hand at the bird. It squawked and was suddenly joined by a whole flock of the same odd birds. They were all flying swiftly at him like arrows and Pippin ran away, passed Strider even.

"Pippin?" Frodo said questioningly. Strider looked behind them and scooped up Frodo and Sam, one in each arm, and began sprinting after Pippin.

"Crebain! We must hide!" he yelled.

They ran and ran until they arrived at Weathertop, where they found a cave. Pippin ran in first, then Strider put Frodo and Sam down and they scurried in, then Strider pulled Merry inside and ran after him.

They had put a good amount of distance between themselves and the Crebain. A few moments later, as they sat quietly in the cave, catching their breath and clutching stitches in their sides, they could hear the Crebain fly passed Weathertop, and out of range. They were all completely silent for a while, until Strider spoke.

"Pippin, did you eat one of those apples by any chance…?"


	3. At the Top of WeathertopWhich Rhymes

The hobbits looked at Strider. His eyes were only on Pippin.

"Umm…maybe," Pippin answered guiltily. "Why?"

"Well," Strider said, "those apples aren't ordinary apples…"

"Are they apples from Rohan?" Sam asked.

"No, but I never run out of apples for some odd reason. I can always find an apple in my cloak, or an inside pocket, or in my purse-"

At this, all four hobbits raised their eyebrows at Strider, who did not seem to notice.

"But the strange thing is," he continued, "the fact that I can always find an apple whenever I want one. I've never told anyone this. I don't know why it is, but…well, it is. I don't think they're dangerous, but strange things do seem to happen whenever I eat one, or give somebody else one," he nodded at Pippin. "But I NEVER RUN OUT… You four are the only ones who know, so I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone; I don't want people to start thinking weird things about me."

Frodo put his hand on Strider's shoulder and said, "It's too late for that, buddy."

"Well, perhaps you're right, but please keep it a secret for now, okay?"

The hobbits nodded.

"If you don't mind me saying, I think there is more to those apples than the fact that you always have some," Bill said, fluttering off of Strider's nose.

"Such as…?" Strider asked.

"Well, something bad or dangerous always seems to happen whenever someone eats one of your apples. When you took a bite of apple the first time last night, Nazgul suddenly showed up in the street and if they had seen us, they would have killed us all, except for me, because I am a pretty butterfly… Then, you took another bite of apple, and Nazgul tried to get in our room to kill us. And when Pippin took a bite a few minutes ago, a huge flock of Crebain, from Dunland, you know, came after us…"

"So…you're saying that every time someone takes a bite out of one of my apples, a flamingo dies?" Strider asked. Bill sighed.

"No!" he said impatiently. "Every time someone takes a bite out of one of those apples, that person is attacked…"

"Happy New Year! AHAHAHAHAHA!" Merry yelled maniacally. The others stared at him.

"So…what do we do?" Frodo asked after a moment.

"Frodo! Fix your bow tie, dammit!" Strider exclaimed. Frodo hastily straightened his bow tie and Strider spoke again. "I think we should just stick with the plan of going to Rivendell. We can stay here tonight; this was where I planned to stop anyways. Let's climb up higher though."

Strider led the hobbits (Bill went back on his nose) up to a higher area of Weathertop. The hobbits sat down against a wall and Strider pulled out four short swords. He tossed one to each hobbit (all of them caught theirs cleanly except for Frodo; it landed on his head and he got knocked out) then said, 

"I am going to take a look around. Keep those close to you and be on the watch. If you brought any binoculars, you may be able to spot some porno stars that live around here. There're some hot ones."

With that, Strider turned and climbed away.

"Do you think that's true?" Sam asked hungrily.

"Sam!" Pippin scolded warningly.

Frodo still lay unconscious on the rock.

"Hey, I'm hungry," Pippin stated. "Let's have some food while Frodo's blacked out!"

"Okay!" Merry agreed.

About thirty minutes later, Frodo awoke to the smell of cooking. He licked his lips eagerly. So, he thought, Jill had decided to stay through the morning after the fun of last night and make them some breakfast!

Frodo sat up, and his heart sunk as he realized he was not in his hobbit bed, but on a rock and he remembered how he had come here with Strider and his hobbit friends, and Bill the butterfly, of course. He had been dreaming about a sexy hobbit woman named Jill that had stayed at his hobbit hole overnight. He sighed, and, turning around, he saw that Sam, Merry, and Pippin had made a fire and were eating around it. He jumped to his feet.

"What are you doing!" he exclaimed.

"We were hungry so we made some food, silly Frodo!" Sam said.

"Hmm, what food?"

"Tomatoes, sausage, and nice crispy bacon," Merry said through a mouthful of sausage. "We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo."

"Put it out, you fools! Put it out!" Frodo began to stamp on the fire.

"Oh, that's nice!" Pippin said angrily. "Ash on my tomatoes! Well, I've still got another apple."

Pippin pulled out his second apple from earlier and took a bite.

A screech immediately sounded from below.

"Damn you, Pippin!" Merry snarled as all of the hobbits scrambled to their feet in the darkness and hurried to the top of Weathertop. They all stood back-to-back in the middle of the area, small swords out, eyes wary. Then, looming through the darkness, a group of ring wraiths came, walking slowly and eerily up to them, swords up. Sam, Merry, and Pippin immediately blocked Frodo.

The wraith leading the others spoke.

"Stand aside, Halflings, or suffer the consequences," he hissed.

"You'll turn us into muffins?" Sam asked.

The wraith stopped and looked at the others over his shoulder.

"Umm………noooo………………?"

He looked back at the hobbits and continued walking towards them.

"Back, you devils!" Sam yelled and leaped at the Nazgul. The one in front grabbed him by the arm and threw him over to the side. "Wow…I flew!" Sam said dazedly from the ground. The leading wraith stopped right in front of Merry and Pippin. They both looked at each other, then at Frodo.

"Seeya, Frodo," Pippin said and he and Merry dashed over to Sam.

"EEEEEP!" Frodo screamed in a high-pitched voice and fell backwards on the ground. He put the ring on his finger and instantly became invisible. He began to back away until he was pressed against the wall. The wraiths still followed. Frodo noticed through his fear that the Nazgul looked different when he had the ring on. They were continuously changing colors. The leader changed from black, to blue, to purple, to red, to green, to pink, to yellow, to orange, to brown and back to black again.

The leader stopped right in front of Frodo and held out his-um…hand-in an expectant way. Frodo figured that either meant he wanted to hold Frodo's hand, or he wanted the ring. Frodo was not remotely turned on by the wraith nor would he give up the ring, however, so he slapped the wraith's hand and said, "No!" in a snotty tone.

The wraith recoiled, then stabbed Frodo swiftly under the left shoulder.

"Owie! Owie! OWIE!" Frodo yelled and he became visible right away. Just when he thought it was the end, someone leapt in front of him from somewhere behind and drove the leader ring wraith away from Frodo with a torch. Frodo realized it was Strider. Since Strider was handling the Nazgul, Frodo's friends came rushing over to him and began to fuss over his wound. "Ouchie boo-boos!" Frodo whined loudly.

Meanwhile, Strider ducked a blow from the wraith he was currently fighting. Then, he lit its robes on fire and it screeched loudly, yelled, "Jesus Christ!" in a curse, and jumped over the edge of Weathertop. Strider managed to alight and chase away all of the remaining wraiths except for the leader. He looked over his shoulder and saw it standing there, watching him and calculating. Then, Strider hurled the torch at it and it hit it spectacularly. The leader also screeched, then shouted, "Stupid ranger!" and jumped over the edge as well. Once Strider was sure there were no more ring wraiths around, he ran over to Frodo, lying on the ground and whimpering. He picked up the sword that had been dropped and examined it.

"He's been stabbed by a Morgul blade," he muttered as the blade turned to ashes. Bill was still perched miraculously on his nose and flew onto Frodo's chest. He looked at the wound, then back up at Strider.

"He needs elvish medicine," Bill stated, then fluttered back onto Strider's nose.

Strider picked Frodo up and began to dash down Weathertop. "And his bow tie is extremely crooked. Dammit! This is NOT good!"

Sam, Merry, and Pippin hurried after Strider and, once at the bottom of Weathertop, Strider sprinted as fast as he could in the direction of Rivendell, the three running hobbits doing the best they could to keep up with him.


	4. A Pair of Elves

"Strider, we're six days from Rivendell, in case you haven't noticed!" Merry called up to Strider as they ran through some trees at the end of some woods. Strider ignored Merry's comment and found a clearing where three stone trolls stood. He set Frodo gently upon the ground and crouched over him.

"Ha, ha, ha. Hey look they're stoned!" Pippin joked, gesturing at the trolls made of rock. "Get it? Stoned-?"

"Pippin, shut up!" Strider snapped.

"Like I said, we're six days from Rivendell. He'll never make it…" Merry said.

"Sam!" Sam came over to Strider. "Do you know the Athelas plant?"

"Athelas?" Sam frowned.

"Kingsfoil?"

"Kingsfoil, aye, it's a weed. Everyone knows that."

"Well, it may save Frodo. Hurry! You and I will split up and look for some. Ready…" Strider put out his hand and Sam put his own on top. "Break!" they both exclaimed and lifted their hands up in the air, then darted in opposite directions.

Strider was looking around a certain area he came upon frantically. Then, he was sure he spotted what he needed. He jogged over to the plant, bent over, and examined it. A grin of triumph spread across his face as he realized that this was indeed the plant he was looking for. He pulled out his knife to cut it, but then found a blade at his throat.

"What's this?" a familiar female voice said behind him. "A ranger caught off his guard?" The blade left his throat and Strider stood up properly and turned around. He was face-to-face with Arwen Undomiel, his elven lover.

"Shit! Not you AGAIN!" said a smooth, yet obviously angry male voice somewhere to Strider's left. He and Arwen looked and saw an elf with long blond hair standing there, glaring at Arwen. "Did I not tell you to stop taking my jobs!"

"Arwen opened her mouth angrily but Strider said calmly, "What do you mean, Glorfindel?"

"I mean that every time I try to do what I need to do, including meeting you around here, your little princess tries to do it instead!"

"Arwen, is this true?" Strider asked.

"Well…" Arwen hesitated, "maybe, but I don't think so…"

"Well, it doesn't matter now anyway because I need to get Frodo to Rivendell as fast as possible because he got stabbed by a Morgul blade. Do either of you have a horse I could borrow?"

"I have a horse," said both Arwen and Glorfindel in unison.

"Okay, well, can I borrow it then so I can ride Frodo to Rivendell?"

Both said, "I will take him!"

Strider sighed and smacked his forehead.

"Okay, how about both of you take Frodo and I will continue to lead the hobbits on foot?"

Arwen and Glorfindel eyed each other with dislike, then both said, "Okay."

Strider lead the two elves back to where the hobbits were. Sam was back with something clutched in his hands.

"I didn't find any athelas, Strider, but I found a toad!" he said. Strider shook his head. He gestured at Frodo, lying on the ground, to the elves. Arwen picked him up and whistled. A horse came galloping out of the trees. Glorfindel whistled too and his horse also came. Arwen then carried Frodo over to her horse and perched him precariously upon it.

"Hey!" said Glorfindel reproachfully. "Why does he have to ride with you? He can ride with me."

Glorfindel strode over to Arwen's horse, picked Frodo up, and seated him upon his own horse. Arwen stepped forward angrily but Strider held up his hands and said, "It doesn't matter! Just get him to Rivendell, and fast!"

"Fine," Arwen said stiffly, holding her nose in the air as she walked back over to her own mount. She climbed onto her horse, seated herself, and added, "I'll lead the way, Glorfindel; you just follow me," before galloping away. Glorfindel muttered something indistinct and followed her, holding Frodo by the arm with one hand and using the other to steer the reigns.

As they galloped away, leaving Strider and the remaining three hobbits, Glorfindel heard a deafening screech somewhere not far away.

"Arwen!" he called ahead. Arwen looked over her shoulder in response. "There are Nazgul near. We must move with haste!"

"Stop telling me what to do!" she answered and resumed to look ahead of her. Glorfindel rolled his eyes and picked up the speed of his horse.

They were out of the woods and running towards a river about thirty yards ahead when Glorfindel heard the screeches again. He glanced over his shoulder and saw all nine ring wraiths galloping on their black horses out of the woods. "Arwen!" he yelled again. "The wraiths follow us! Please, stop in the river; I have an idea!"

Arwen nodded and whispered, "Noro lim, Asfaloth! Noro, lim!" to her horse.

"I'll do anything for you, gorgeous, just as long as you keep riding me," Asfaloth said with a grin and he picked up speed.

Glorfindel caught up to Arwen and they now rode side by side; the Nazgul followed close behind, screeching madly, even giggling madly.

"Wait!" the leader of the Nazgul shouted, stopping. The other ring wraiths stopped too and so did Glorfindel and Arwen, turning around to see what was going on. "We need some chase music, people!" He pulled a boom box from out of nowhere, put in a c.d., and set the boom box on the ground. He then jumped off his horse and turned the volume all the way up, then skipped ahead to a certain song on the c.d., and let it play. He then picked up the boom box, seated it in front of him, yelled, "Okay!" and everyone resumed the chase as the song "Counting Bodies Like Sheep to the Rhythm of the War Drums" by A Perfect Circle blasted throughout the area.

Glorfindel whispered, "Hold on, Frodo," and pursued Arwen, heading toward the river. Finally, Glorfindel felt his horse's hooves splash water everywhere as they stopped in the river, facing the Nazgul, who had stopped at the river's bank.

"Oh, come on!" one of the wraiths shouted angrily. "You know we're not fond of water!"

"According to…um, a ranger I know, you're not fond of fire either," Glorfindel sneered.

"Uh, did this ranger by any chance say he had chased us off of Weathertop…?" another wraith asked shiftily.

"Yeah…"

"Damn! I knew he'd brag about that! Now he's gonna tell everyone what fools we are!"

"It does not matter!" snapped the leader of the Nazgul. He faced Glorfindel. "Give up the Halfling, she-elf."

"Hey!" Glorfindel whined. "I'm not a girlie; I'm a real boy!"

No one noticed but when Glorfindel said this, his nose grew half an inch longer.

"Oh, sorry," the lord of the Nazgul said apologetically. "It's hard to tell with elves these days…Anyway! Give up the Halfling!"

"No!"

"Fine, have it your way!"

The nine wraiths galloped toward the two elves, sloshing in the water. The latter rode towards each other, rose their hands in the air, and held each others. Then, they both began to calmly chant in elvish. When they were done, they swiftly looked down the river and saw that it had risen into the shapes of horses. These beautiful water steeds neighed loudly.

The Nazgul had all stopped riding and were watching the river, rushing at them at full speed. The leading Nazgul muttered, "oh shit," before he and the other ring wraiths were swept over by the river horses.

"Hurray!" Glorfindel and Arwen cheered, clapping their hands as the wraiths were carried down the river. Frodo fell off of Glorfindel's horse and landed in the water.

"Frodo?" Glorfindel said, looking down. He jumped off his horse and Arwen did the same. Arwen lifted up Frodo's head. His eyes were all strange and he was making weird gasping noises, like a fishy.

"I hope he doesn't die," Arwen said cheerfully. "Perhaps, Glorfindel, he could ride with me the rest of the way? We're almost there…"

She was looking at Glorfindel fondly. For some mad reason, both elves that had hated each other now seemed to love each other. Go figure…

"Yes, Arwen," Glorfindel said quietly. He was gazing at her as if she were something out of a dream. "Yes…"

Arwen picked Frodo up and seated him upon her horse. She sat behind him as Glorfindel climbed on his own horse. They galloped full speed in the direction of Rivendell. They got to a point shortly after where they were able to see it. They picked up the pace and entered Rivendell quickly.


	5. The Fellowship is Formed

Frodo woke up, feeling dazed. Sitting up gingerly, he realized he was lying in a bed somewhere he did not recognize. Looking at his beautiful surroundings, he realized that he must be in Rivendell. He was bandaged from where he got stabbed and he still felt a little soar, but for reasons he could not explain, he felt at peace.

Turning over, Frodo noticed that Sam was lying next to him on the bed, asleep and snoring loudly. Frodo felt slightly unnerved and slowly got out of bed. Standing up, he was able to see that the buttons on his trousers were undone. He looked back at Sam, feeling even more unsettled. He was not a bright hobbit, but Frodo was able to put two and two together pretty much…

With a startling flash of purple smoke, an old man appeared in the room, coughing. Frodo hopped back into the bed and pulled the covers up to his chin in fright. The purple smoke cleared, however, to reveal that the old man standing there, still coughing, was Gandalf.

"Gandalf!" Frodo exclaimed excitedly. "Why-how-you-I-who-where-when-what-but-"

"Shut-" Gandalf said, but stopped to take another choking cough, "up!" Frodo fell silent immediately. Sam rolled over in bed and sat up.

"Ah, Frodo, my love, you've awakened!" he said happily. Then, a look of terror came upon his face. "Oh no…you've……awakened…that's………bad………………………"

"Why are you coughing so much, Gandalf?" Frodo asked, ignoring Sam.

"Well, what do you expect to happen when you're enshrouded in smoke, especially purple smoke?" Gandalf replied impatiently. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, but how did you know…when did you get here…?"

"A couple of days ago."

"I've been out cold like this for days!" Frodo asked, horrified about what kind of things Sam might have done during all this time Frodo was unconscious.

"Yes, you have," answered Gandalf, not noticing Frodo's fear.

"How did you know I was awake?" Frodo questioned.

"I was watching you from over there," Gandalf responded, pointing to a gap between two pillars and across a small valley to an area of woods. "With these," he added, holding up a pair of binoculars. "And let me tell you," he laughed, "Mr. Samwise here put on quite some shows with you, very entertaining…"

"But, why didn't you meet us in the inn, Gandalf?" Frodo interrogated, trying to ignore the mounting annoyance building up inside of him.

"I was…delayed……"

"'Delayed'? What does that mean?"

"Well you see, I went to the wizard Sauruman after stopping at a club I like, called 'The Bare Ostrich' if you're ever looking for a place to go. Sauruman has always been a good wizard, an ally, but, well…let's put it this way, he's not anymore…"

"Why so?"

"Well, he decided it would be smarter to join Sauron, aid him willingly, all that bull crap. He even tried to persuade me to join him. I refused point blank of course, but Sauruman wouldn't listen. So, he stole my staff and threw me around his tower, cackling (I hate his cackle; it's like a damn hyena's!). Then he threw me up through the roof of the tower, and man that hurt like a mother, and decided to continue to try to persuade me. He's way too ambitious and determined; I always hated that about him. But then, just when I thought I was going to die, I saw…a moth! Yes, Frodo, a moth. I distracted Sauruman for a moment by telling him to look at the giant panda that was walking into Isengard, and while he was looking away, I whispered some stuff to the moth. The moth came back later with an eagle. Sauruman is so near-sighted, and I've been telling him for years to get glasses, but he didn't notice the eagle fly past. I managed to distract him yet again by telling him a giant, living marshmallow was attacking Isengard and while he looked the other way, I jumped on the eagle and escaped to freedom!"

"Huzzah!" Frodo exclaimed, raising his arms triumphantly.

"Yes, thank you, Frodo," Gandalf smiled.

"So is everyone else here as well? Strider? Merry? Pippin? Bill?"

"Yes, all are here. And you're lucky to be here. Another few days and you would have been beyond our reach. But thanks to the healing skills of Lord Elrond, you're beginning to mend."

At this, Gandalf looked over his shoulder and a tall elf with long brown hair and a constantly furrowed brow walked in. He smiled down at Frodo.

"Welcome, Frodo," Elrond said. "What's your favorite color?"

"Sorry?" Frodo said.

"Your favorite color, what is it?"

"Um…brown, I guess."

"Okay, you are no longer welcome. To be welcome here, you're favorite color must be azure blue. You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"

"Elrond, Frodo must stay; you know this," Gandalf said sternly.

"But his favorite color-"

"Elrond, you know perfectly well that at least half of the people here do not favor azure above all other colors; they only tell you that so you won't throw a hissy fit! My favorite color, for instance, is gray."

"And EVERYONE knows that, my Lord Elrond," Sam piped up.

"FINE! Disrespect the sacred color that is azure! I hope you all die and rot in Hell!" Elrond raged, stomping out of the room.

"Is he always like that?" Frodo asked.

"Pretty much," Gandalf frowned. "But do not worry. Knowing Elrond as I do, he will probably convince himself later that everyone's favorite color is azure and that they are only lying to anger him. He'll be fine."

Later on, Frodo was up and about, walking and talking, pretty much healed. He and Sam found Merry and Pippin who greeted him enthusiastically (Merry a little overenthusiastically). There also was a surprise for Frodo.

"Bilbo!" he exclaimed when he saw his dear uncle walking up to him, beaming.

"Frodo, my lad!" Bilbo said cheerfully as he gave Frodo a hug.

"Bilbo! It's great to see you again! Wow, your fro is getting very poofy!"

"Yes, yes! Thank you!"

The next day, men, elves, and dwarves from other lands rode into Rivendell for a secret but not-so-secret council. Elrond greeted them at the gate before turning savage and accosting all of them of their favorite colors. He ran from person to person, waving a finger in their faces, shouting madly, and allowing spit to fly from his mouth. All of the newcomers did their best to run away from him, but Elrond was insistent and chased them into Rivendell. Elrond took to tackling and pouncing upon his guests that he managed to catch up to, but there were no deaths and only a few minor injuries. By the time it was time to hold the meeting, Elrond had calmed down to an almost normal level.

"You have been summoned here today," he growled whilst he sat in a chair, "to discuss the matter of the One Ring, and some rather conspicuous apples."

Frodo looked at Strider who shifted rather uneasily in his chair.

"Bring forth the ring, Frodo," Elrond instructed, gesturing at a plinth in the middle of the circular courtyard they were in. Frodo stood up and slowly walked over to the plinth, upon which he placed the ring. Many people in the council stared at it and gasped. "I could say many things about this ring-"

"It is a gift!" one man interrupted. "It is a gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this ring?"

Strider stood up.

"You cannot wield it," he said. "None of us can. The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."

"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" the man snapped, taking a step toward Strider who stood his ground. An elf with long blond hair then stood up.

"This is no mere ranger!" the elf said. "He is Aragorn son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

Frodo stared at Strider. Aragorn? What was up with this?

"Aragorn?" the man said. "This is Isildur's heir?" he laughed slightly.

"An heir to the throne of Gondor!" the elf barked. Frodo watched Stri-Aragorn-in shock. He was a king? Dude!

"Havo dad, Legolas," Aragorn told the elf in Elvish. Legolas resumed his seat.

"Gondor has no king," the man sneered. "Gondor needs no king!"

At this, Aragorn sat down, but eyed the man with dislike etched all over his face. The man too sat down.

"Yeah, well, anyway!" Elrond spluttered angrily. "You have only one choice: the ring must be destroyed."

Everyone sat there silently, with baited breath, until an elf sitting next to Legolas farted loudly. He shifted in his seat in the same way Aragorn had and cleared his throat.

"What are we waiting for?" a dwarf with thick brown hair and a thick brown beard growled. He stood up, raising his axe. Elrond shrunk into his chair, getting into a fetal position. The dwarf rose the axe over the plinth and brought it down upon the ring. Nothing happened to the ring whatsoever, but the dwarf was knocked to the ground.

"It cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin, by any craft that we here posses. It must be taken to the very fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. One of you must do this."

"Why can't YOU do it?" the man who had taunted Aragorn said. There were murmurs of assent around the circle.

"Because I am special and YOU are not, Boromir son of Denethor."

There was a silence after this in which Aragorn spent his time shooting spitballs at Boromir while he wasn't watching.

"So…who's going to do it?" Gandalf asked. Boromir stood up and opened his mouth to say something but before he could speak, everyone other than Frodo, Aragorn, and Elrond stood up and began to argue among each other, very loudly. Aragorn was blowing spitballs at Boromir more rapidly and Elrond had suddenly fallen asleep in his chair. Frodo looked at the ring and voices filled his head instantly. He stood up with his hands over his ears.

"Who's talking to me!" he yelled, but was heard by no one.

"Ash nazg durbatuluk," said the voice in head. "Ash nazg gimbatul. Ash nazg thrakatuluk. Azg burzum-ishi krimpatul."

"I WILL TAKE IT, DAMMIT!" Frodo yelled so that everyone could hear him. Everyone stopped arguing and looked at him. Aragorn had stopped shooting spitballs at Boromir and Elrond woke up. "I will take it. If it will get the voices out of my head, I will take it. But just so you guys know, I do not know the way. Heh, heh."

"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, as long as it's yours to bear," Gandalf smiled, walking up to Frodo. Aragorn pocketed his straw and spitballs and stood up.

"By my life or death, I can protect you. I will." He walked up to Frodo too. "You have my sword."

"You have my bow," Legolas said, striding over to Frodo, Gandalf, and Aragorn.

"And my ass-uh-I meant axe," Gimli said, blushing, as he joined the group.

"You carry the face of it all, little one," Boromir said, walking over to Frodo. "If this is indeed the word of the council, then Gondor will see it done." He stood next to Legolas and muttered only to him, "And hey, I might be able to get some hobbit action too, if you know what I mean."

"Don't talk to me," Legolas murmured embarrassedly.

There was a shout and Sam jumped out from behind some bushes.

"And Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!" he said defiantly, standing next to Frodo and in a would-be-casual way laced his fingers through Frodo's. Frodo blushed; he felt for a moment like he would like to slap Sam, but he also found he was rather attracted to him…oh God………

"Oi! We're coming too!" called Merry's voice. He and Pippin were running over from behind two pillars. "You'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!"

"Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest……thing!" Pippin added.

"Well that rules you out, Pip," Merry said.

Elrond looked at the group of people standing there.

"So be it," he said. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"Great!" Pippin said. "Where are we going?"

"Pippin, we're going to Mordor," Frodo said.

"Oh. Okay. I can't say I know where that is, but I'll go!"

"And you said we needed people of intelligence on this sort of thing?" Aragorn asked wryly.

"Everyone, everyone, we still have another matter to address," Elrond announced. When everyone looked confused he added, "Aragorn's apples!"

Everyone nodded and said, "Ohh," like they knew that all along.

"Yeah," Elrond said. "Aragorn here has apples. He doesn't know why, but he never runs out and can always find one whenever he wants one."

At this, Frodo looked at Aragorn and whispered, "I thought you didn't want anyone to know?"

"I didn't," he answered. "But I talked to Bill, he's very smart you know, and he said I should tell Elrond so we could figure this out."

"These apples, however," Elrond continued, "have proven dangerous. Every time someone eats one of his apples, that person is attacked. The attacks on these people have grown more and more fatal. Wee little Frodo here has already been stabbed due to an attack after a bite from one of these apples. It almost killed him. The point is, Aragorn is thinking that he is beginning to lose control of these said apples. He told me that sometimes they just pop up even when he didn't want one, and it makes itself try to get into his mouth. This has, according to him, only started occurring within these last few days. I think that these apples-" he took a deep breath for dramatic effect, "are the work of Sauron."

There was a lot of muttering around the council all of a sudden.

"Yes," Elrond nodded wisely. "I do not know why; I do not know how, but I think these apples will play a big part in our battle against Sauron, like the ring. Now, our fellowship, you will leave tomorrow. Be careful. Do not underestimate the apples…

"Our council is over. Thank you all for coming."

Everyone not in the fellowship stood up and left, then Elrond followed them. The fellowship was left standing there. All nine companions looked at each other, then followed suit.


	6. And Away We Go! Wheee!

The night before the fellowship departed, Bilbo helped Frodo get ready for the journey. They were getting things together when Bilbo told Frodo he had some things to give him. He first gave him a thimble that he confessed to have stolen from Frodo a few years ago, but then gave him some more interesting items…

"Here," he said, handing Frodo a sheathed sword. "My old sword Sting. The blade glows blue when orcs are near. Although if you're not looking at it, you're hardly gonna know when an army of orcs is on their way to kill you, know what I mean, my lad?" He chuckled and Frodo forced a smile, not feeling all that comforted by the point Bilbo just made. "And…this." Bilbo held up a shiny (SHINY!) white shirt. "Mythril. As light as a feather, but as hard as dragon scales. Let's see you put it on."

Bilbo handed the Mythril vest to Frodo who began to unbutton his shirt. As he did, the ring came into view. Bilbo noticed.

"Ahh…my old ring," he said lovingly. "I should very much like to hold it again."

Frodo eyed his uncle warily and began to button his shirt. Suddenly, Bilbo's face went all freakish and he yelled, "RAAAAAAHH!" as he lunged for the ring. Frodo hopped backwards shouting, "Oh my God!"

Bilbo suddenly went back to normal, turned away, and began to cry.

"You can't fool me, Bilbo," Frodo smiled. "I know you're only pretending, you silly gazelle."

Bilbo sobbed harder.

"Bilbo?" Frodo frowned.

"I'm so sorry, Frodo!" he wailed. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I stole your thimble; it was your special thimble; I remember how you would cuddle it. I'm sorry you must carry this burden!" Then, so Frodo couldn't see, Bilbo mouthed, "Yes!" and jerked his arm down in a triumphant gesture.

"It's okay, Bilbo."

"Thank you, Frootloop."

"Um…my name's Frodo……"

"Yes, but I like Frootloop better. What kind of a name is Frodo, I've always said."

Meanwhile, Aragorn and Arwen were giving each other a farewell in an area of woods; Aragorn had Bill perched on his nose.

"Do you still love me, Arwen?" Aragorn asked quietly.

"Yes, of course," she said in a not-so-convincing way. "Why do you question my love for you?"

"Well, you seem to have been hanging around Glorfindel a lot lately, ever since I sent you two to deliver Frodo here. And when I knocked on your door last night, you had a bed sheet wrapped around you, yet you were not covered with water the way you would be if you had been taking a shower, but you were obviously naked, and I thought I saw a head of blond hair flash across the room. You aren't having an affair with me, are you, Arwen?"

"Uh…no! You saw that I don't get along with Glorfindel, remember?"

"Yes, I did, but now you both seem to have fond feelings for each other. For all I know, you two could have hooked up on the way here."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Aragorn. You know I only love you…" Arwen began to look around nervously as if hoping to find an escape route.

"Hello, Arwen, my love!" called a jovial voice. Aragorn and Arwen turned to see Glorfindel striding into the woods, holding a package. Aragorn looked at Arwen, who groaned, and raised an eyebrow at her.

"His love!" he whispered incredulously. "His LOVE!"

"I'm going to get out of here, shall I?" said Bill and he quickly flew off of Aragorn's nose and flew swiftly from the woods.

"I bought you a present for our one week anniversary!" Glorfindel said as he stopped next to Arwen, apparently oblivious to Aragorn standing there, looking mutinous.

"Glorfindel!" Arwen smiled with clenched teeth. "What-are-you-talking-about?" She jerked her head pointedly at Aragorn.

"Aah, but love, it's only Aragorn!" Glorfindel said, barely glancing at Aragorn, who was now massaging his knuckles. "You said you already dumped him. What do we have to worry about? Here's your present! It's a thong!"

Arwen looked at Aragorn, horrified. Aragorn was looking as if he would like nothing better than to charge at Arwen and Glorfindel, seize them by the necks, and toss them into the river that ran by.

"It's very flexible! And it's made of hot pink leather," Glorfindel continued brightly. "You wanna go try it on and show me how it looks on you?" he grinned suggestively.

"Um-um-um-" Arwen stammered, glancing from Aragorn to Glorfindel.

Well, what do you know! Aragorn did just what he looked like he wanted to do. He charged at Arwen and Glorfindel with a snarl, grabbed both of them by the necks, and began dragging them through the woods.

"Aragorn, what ARE you doing!" Glorfindel yelped from the ground.

"Aragorn, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Arwen screamed.

"What?" Glorfindel asked, confused. "You mean you didn't dump him yet! Arwen, you told me you dumped him three days ago!"

"I lied; I hadn't gotten around to doing it yet!" Arwen choked.

Aragorn was muttering incoherently, but no doubt angrily, as he dragged them out of the woods.

"Why?" he breathed menacingly. "WHY!"

"Well, he's really hot, and he's awesome in bed," Arwen gagged.

"Aragorn, where are you taking us?" Glorfindel asked, scared.

Aragorn: Mumble, mumble, grrr.

"What was that?"

Aragorn walked up to the edge of the small cliff, below which was the river, and tossed Arwen and Glorfindel into it. They both screamed as they fell, then landed in the river, where their heads bobbed as they began to float down it. Aragorn picked up the thong that Glorfindel had dropped and catapulted it at Arwen. With perfect aim, it landed on her face as she floated along, yelling obscene things up to Aragorn. He flicked them off, brushed the palms of his hands against each other as if to rid them of dirt, and walked away.

The fellowship left Rivendell early the next morning. Bill was trying to cheer up Aragorn from his nose as they walked. It turned out the pony they were taking was also named Bill. Bill the butterfly gave up on Aragorn for a bit at that point and fluttered onto Bill the pony's large nose.

"Hey, Bill," said Bill.

"Hey, Bill," said the other Bill.

Everyone in the fellowship tried to cheer up Aragorn, but to no avail. Frodo stood in front of him and said, "Look, my bowtie's so straight! See, Ara-OW!"

Aragorn had not been cheered by this at all and had elbowed Frodo in the nose.

"I'm hungry," he growled angrily. "I think I'll just eat an apple."

The rest of the fellowship stopped in their tracks and faced Aragorn, looking petrified. Then, they all ran at him as he rose an apple to his mouth, yelling, "NOOOOOOOOO!"

They all jumped on him dog pile fashion right as Aragorn allowed his teeth to sink into the apple, and pull a piece into his mouth. Everyone scrambled back to their feet. They all looked around sharply. Nothing happened and Sam said, "Hey! It didn't work this ti-"

ROOOOAAAARRRR!

"-Oh never mind!"

A dragon was flying towards them at full speed.

"A DRAGON!" Boromir yelled incredulously. "You have GOT to be kidding me!"

They all ran as fast as they could. Aragorn dropped his apple and scooped up Frodo. Legolas picked up Sam; Boromir seized Merry; and Gandalf grabbed Pippin. Gimli looked around at the hobbits being carried jealously as he ran. Was he not short too! He decided to jump on Bill the pony's back.

They ran quickly, the dragon gaining on them, then spotted a den of some kind ahead of them. They all dove into it, sliding down a wide, but long tunnel and landing in a cave.

As they sat there, panting, they could hear the loud and angry roars of the furious dragon. Eventually, they died away.

"Aragorn," Gimli growled (he had fallen off of Bill during the slide down the tunnel). "We're all sorry about the thing with Arwen, but you don't have to try to get us all killed!"

Aragorn mumbled darkly.

"Yes, Aragorn," Gandalf said. "Please don't allow your feelings to make you do something rash like that again."

"So where do we go from here?" Pippin asked.

"Well, we should continue forward and try to find another way out of this cave besides the way we came in," Gandalf explained. "We don't know for sure if that dragon has left yet and I don't want to take any chances if we do not have to. But from whatever end of this cave we come out, we will journey to an area near the base of a mountain I know of and we will stop there for a while."

"Oh no! Where's the ring!" Frodo exclaimed.

"You LOST IT!" Boromir yelled. Frodo began to laugh.

"No, I was just kidding. It was quite funny to see the look on all of your faces." Everyone sat there, glaring at Frodo for a moment. Legolas chucked a pebble at him.

"Anyway!" Gandalf said sharply, scowling at Frodo for a moment. "We must get going."

It took them no more than ten minutes to find the opposite end of the cave, during which, Sam, who was behind Frodo, kept trying to push him forward so he would go faster. He seemed to be claustrophobic.

"Gandalf, let me out first!" Sam said desperately when they reached a round hole. "This space is too small and crowded!" As Gandalf moved aside and Sam scrambled out of the hole, Gandalf said darkly, "Try having an M.R.I."

After everyone was out of the cave, Gandalf lead the others until they came to the area he had described. It was a little higher elevation and was quite rocky.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Merry said excitedly once they got there. "Who wants to do the hokey pokey? Can we do the hokey pokey? Please, please, please!"

Everyone stared at him, shook their heads, and then hastily changed the subject.

Gandalf and Gimli were sitting there, discussing what route they should take from where they were. Legolas was up and about, walking around, hopping from rock to rock. Aragorn sat there, smoking, while he watched Boromir teaching Merry and Pippin how to swordfight. Frodo and Sam were sitting next to each other, eating.

While teaching Merry, Boromir accidentally gave him a small cut on his finger.

"Sorry!" he said hastily. Merry kicked him and he and Pippin began to wrestle with him, knocking him on his back. Boromir just laughed and began to wrestle back. Aragorn laughed too. "Ooh, this if fun! Hobbits are so cuddly!"

This made Aragorn stop laughing.

Legolas stood on a certain rock and looked off into the distance.

"I see something," he said.

"What can you seeeeeee?" Gimli sang.

"On the horizooooon!" Gandalf joined in.

"Why do the white gulls caaaaaaaaaaaaaal?"

"Would you two stop singing!" Legolas snapped.

"It's just a whiff of clouds," Gimli said, looking in the direction Legolas was.

"Moving fast…against the wind," Boromir speculated, ceasing his wrestling match and standing up to get a look too.

"Crebain, from Dunland!" Legolas pronounced.

"Hide!" Aragorn shouted.

The fellowship scattered, darting behind bushes and under rocks. They all lay where they were, holding their breath. Within a few short seconds, they could hear the sound of birds flying above.

"They think they can outsmart us!" one of the birds squawked. "We already saw them and we know where they are. That's all Sauruman wanted to know."

Legolas slipped out from behind his bush and shot one of the birds. It fell to the ground, landing right in front of him with a squawk. After all of the Crebain had passed, the rest of the fellowship came out from their hiding places.

"Legolas!" Boromir said reproachfully.

"Hey, they taste good, alright?" Legolas countered. "And they already know we're here so it wasn't as if I was giving us away."

Legolas packed the dead bird.

"We must make for the pass of Caradhras," Gandalf said glumly. They all turned their gaze to the mountain before them. Climbing it did not look like fun.

"This looks like fun!" Pippin said cheerfully.

Well, to the others, it didn't look like fun.


	7. Which Way Do We Go Now?

The fellowship began to make their trudge up the mountain where, all of a sudden, it was winter. Hmmm…

Pippin was thoroughly enjoying himself as he climbed through the snow and slipped and fell about. The first time he fell, he rolled and tumbled backwards a few feet before coming to a complete stop. Everyone had rushed over to him to see if he was alright, but he merely stood up, giggling. Whenever he fell after that, nobody bothered to pay any attention to the matter.

At one point, Frodo fell and tumbled backwards. Unlike Pippin, he had not enjoyed it. Aragorn helped him up and as he did so, Frodo noticed that the ring was not around his neck. A few feet ahead of where Aragorn and Frodo stood, Boromir picked up the ring, which had fallen in the snow. He stared at it for a full ten minutes, drooling, before Aragorn finally spoke up.

"Boromir!" he growled sharply. "Give the ring to Frodo."

Boromir looked up and realized that the rest of the fellowship was staring at him. He began to walk up to Frodo with the ring muttering, "Oh, yes…the ring, Frodo…yeah, I knew that."

He looked at Aragorn who looked pissed and remembered the story of how he had dragged Arwen and Glorfindel off a cliff and threw them into a river. He handed the ring to Frodo regretfully, thinking it might be worth getting his ass kicked to refuse to give the ring back.

"I was only looking at it," Boromir said defensively. He turned away, hoisting his round shield of gigantitude across his back, and continued walking up the mountain.

The fellowship were doing their best to walk through the pass when they reached it, but struggled; it was like being in a freakish snow storm. The hobbits had to be carried due to their short heights or they would have been completely covered with snow. Aragorn carried Frodo and Sam while Boromir carried Merry and Pippin. Legolas, being an elf, was able to walk on top of the snow without sinking into it. This greatly annoyed the others as Legolas pranced up and down the pass of Caradhras. At one point, while he was running passed Gandalf, Gandalf flung out his staff at Legolas's ankles so that Legolas tripped and fell. Everyone else laughed at this. As for Gandalf, Aragorn, and Boromir, the snow was up to their stomachs. For Gimli, it was up to his chest.

As Legolas stood up, rubbing his bottom from where he fell, he went up ahead of the fellowship and listened closely.

"There is a fell voice on the air," he said mysteriously.

"Is it Pinnochio?" Gimli asked.

Then, everyone else could hear the voice too. Here is what the voice said in a booming, deep voice:

"I love you! You love me! We're a happy family!"

Meanwhile, Sauruman could be seen atop his tower, singing in a blasting voice, outstretching his arms.

"It's Saurumaaaaan!" Gandalf yelled to the others. At that moment, a large chunk of the cliff above them fell, covering them all deep with snow. Gandalf hurried out of the snow and back on his feet. He waded over to the edge of the pass and yelled just as loud, "I hate you! You hate me! We will never be a family-" to be cut off by Sauruman yelling even louder, "WITH A GREAT BIG HUG, AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU! WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! MAKE IT STOP, GANDALF!" Frodo cried, covering his ears like everyone else except for Aragorn and Boromir, who couldn't because they were holding a pair of hobbits each.

"SHUT UP, SAURUMAN, GODDAMMIT!" Gandalf yelled really, really, REALLY loud. In fact, a nearby yodeler recorded Gandalf's yell with a tape recorder (where he got the tape recorder, I don't know as they didn't have them in Middle Earth's time, but he had one) and took it to the Guiness Book of World Records where it was recorded as the loudest yell ever.

Sauruman stopped singing for a moment, impressed with Gandalf's yell against his will, and continued to sing in a booming voice, allowing his stormy avalanche thingy-ma-bobber to continue.

The fellowship all faced each other and each new that they would not be able to get through the pass alive. They all began to suggest things. Pippin suggested trying to take the pass anyway ("The falling snow and rocks will only make it more fun!" he exclaimed). The others all obviously disagreed to this. Boromir suggested the Gap of Rohan but Aragorn argued that it was a) too close to Isengard and B) that Uruks liked to buy their clothes there. Gimli pointed out that they could go through the Mines of Moria. Gandalf did not like either choices, but decided not to tell any of the others what he knew. As he was the leader of the fellowship, everyone was waiting for an answer from him on what path to take. Then, to lift the weight off his shoulders and put it on someone else's he said, looking at Frodo, "Let the ring bearer decide."

Frodo looked utterly alarmed at being told to make a decision like this.

"Well, Frodo?" Gandalf said softly but nastily.

"Um…we'll go through the mines…?" Frodo said.

"So be it," Gandalf sneered. When Gandalf turned his back on Frodo and the others to lead them in the direction of Moria, Frodo made sure to stick his tongue out at him.

After a day of walking, the fellowship arrived outside the gate into the underground dwelling of the dwarfs. Aragorn, Sam, Bill, and Bill were at the back of the line and Aragorn put a hand on Sam's shoulder to stop him walking.

"Sam," he said gently, "we're going to have to let Bill go."

"And you're telling me this because…?" Sam questioned.

"Not Bill the butterfly, but Bill the pony," Aragorn corrected.

"No!" Sam whimpered. "I love Bill!"

Bill stepped back nervously at this and said, "No…you love Frodo, not me, Frodo. I'm a straight horse, Sam; always have been."

"The mines are no place for a pony," Aragorn continued, "even one so brave as Bill."

Aragorn took off all of Bill's gear, allowed Sam to say goodbye to him, then gave him a starting nudge to get him to walk away. As he did so, he muttered, "I have to go, but the BUTTERFLY gets to stay? This is ridiculous. I'm a pony for god sakes!"

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were throwing stones in the water nearby stupidly, laughing like dumbasses and going, "DERRR!" The others were all sitting around while Gandalf tried to contemplate the meaning of the runes on the gates.

"'Speak friend…and enter,'" he read aloud.

"Duh ha ha, what do you spose that means?" Merry asked.

"It's really quite simple; if you want a friend, you speak the password and the doors will open," Gandalf said cheerily. The others knew he was so happy because this might be a chance for him to finally get a friend.

Gandalf tried a few different phrases in Elvish, but none of them worked. He tried one that meant "I understand that by entering, I must make out with Gimli's cousin," but it didn't work (much to Gimli's delight).

Meanwhile, Aragorn noticed Merry and Pippin throwing rocks in the water and he grabbed both of them by a wrist.

"Do not disturb the water," he said quietly. Then, a weird look stole upon his face. "Apple…" he said softly, the way a toddler does when trying to say a word for the first time.

"Wait, Aragorn, what-?" Merry began, but Aragorn pulled an apple out of nowhere and eyed it lovingly.

"Apple…"

"Aragorn, NO!" Merry said sharply, lunging at Aragorn's apple. Aragorn was raising the apple to his mouth, but Merry managed to knock it out of his hand with a swift blow. Aragorn made to chase after the apple but Merry grabbed him and slapped him upside the head.

Aragorn blinked and shook his head. He looked as if he did not know where he was as his wide eyes darted everywhere. He noticed the rest of the fellowship all staring at him. Then he hung his head and sighed.

"I'm sorry, everyone," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to try and eat one. The apples are starting to have an effect on me." He looked at Merry. "Thank you for slapping me upside the head like that, Merry. I really appreciate it."

"I can do it again if you want," Merry said obligingly and rose his hand but Aragorn grabbed his wrist and said, "Only do it again if I try to eat an apple."

There was silence around them for a moment, then Frodo, jealous of the attention Aragorn was receiving, whined, "Oohhh, this ring is SO heavy……ugghhh……………"

"Shut up, Frodo!" was said in unison by all members of the fellowship other than Sam, who had begun to stroke Frodo's back in a sympathetic sort of way.

"Anyway, I need to figure out a way to get in," Gandalf said wearily, gesturing hopelessly at the gate. "If any of you have any suggestions, they'd be greatly appreciated……"

"You're sposed to be the smart one here," Boromir said. There were murmurs of assent to this around the fellowship. Gandalf scowled at them all and looked back at the doors that were, according to him, "sealed in".

"'Speak friend and enter'…" Gandalf muttered.

"Hang on!" said Frodo, jumping up from where he sat. "What's the Elvish word for 'friend'?"

"Mellon," Gandalf answered with a raised eyebrow. "It wouldn't be that; it would be too easy-"

The doors were opening.

"Shut up, Frodo," Gandalf snapped.

The fellowship began to file into the first dark area of Moria; Frodo was last because he had taken a moment to do the chicken dance in honor of him getting the right password.

"Of all of us to figure it out, it was Frodo," Bill muttered to Aragorn, who nodded bitterly.

Once they were all in the first room of Moria (Legolas had tripped Gimli in the dark to shut him up about the hospitality of the dwarves), Gandalf muttered, "Lumos," and the end of his staff lit up so they could all see.

"EEEEEEPP!" shrieked Sam and he hopped into Frodo's arms. Frodo caught him, but then overbalanced and fell over.

There were skeletons everywhere, with arrows between their bones, or sticking in their bones. Legolas crouched down by one skeleton as Gimli wailed in the background, and pulled one of the arrows out of a bone.

"Goblins!" he exclaimed and put the arrow in his quiver before standing upright.

"This is no mine…it's a tomb," Boromir said uneasily.

"No, really!" Gandalf said sarcastically.

"We should never have come here," Boromir continued. "We make for the Gap of Rohan. Get out, get out!"

But before anyone could move, Frodo felt something cold, slimy, and wet wrap around his ankle.

"Uh-guys-?"

WHOOSH!

Frodo was whisked away from the others. They all turned around and ran after him back outside. He was being held up in the air by a long tentacle that was protruding from the water. Then, a head emerged. It was a weird creature with many long teeth and, judging by the way it held Frodo over its open mouth, the others assumed it wanted to eat him.

"I am the Watcher in the Water! RAAAAH!" it said.

"Help me, help me, help me, dammit!" Frodo yelled hysterically.

Aragorn and Boromir rushed over and slashed the tentacles with their swords.

"OOOOWWW!" the Watcher in the Water screamed. "You mother fuckers, that HURT!"

It dropped Frodo, who was caught by Boromir, who felt a cuddle moment coming on (he was really rather beginning to fancy Frodo).

Aragorn chased after them as everyone ran back into the shelter of Moria, away from the beast in the water that made a few feeble attempts to snatch at them.

Once they all had sprinted inside a ways, the entrance to Moria collapsed.

Gandalf said, "Lumos," again, lighting his staff and took a step forward. "We have only one choice now. We must go through the mines." And Gandalf started to lead them.

Aragorn glowered at Merry and Pippin. "I TOLD you not to disturb the water!"


	8. Hobbits are Fools

Two days later, the fellowship could be found sitting around a clear area of rocks. Why? Because Gandalf had no idea of which way to go next.

They had been traveling through Moria the past two days, not having run into any enemies so far, with Gandalf directing them the whole way, but now, he was completely lost and the rest of the fellowship was completely pissed. Many of them decided to get high on some weed in order to make their troubles disappear for a while. Frodo, not one of those individuals, gazed around, bored, while the others got stoned and Gandalf tried to think.

As he looked around him, Frodo noticed something climbing up the steep stone steps (and that is what we call an alliteration, my friends!). Taking a few steps forward, Frodo surveyed the creature and found it was not one he recognized. It was almost completely hairless and its gray body bore many scars. Its eyes and head were both quite round and it walked around rather like a primate; Frodo could tell if it stood upright, it would be about half of his own height. This made him feel rather smug, as you can imagine.

Frodo scurried over to where Gandalf sat and said, "There's something down there!"

Without turning his head to look, Gandalf answered, "It's Gollum."

"Gollum? What the-do you mean…THE Gollum!"

"No, the other Gollum!" Gandalf said sarcastically. "He's been following us for days."

"Isn't stalking kinda…….against the law……..?" Frodo asked.

"Well, of course it is, but so is trying to dominate the world and Sauron's doing it! No offense, Frodo, but I can't say I know anyone other than you these days who HASN'T broken the law. Take a look at the others, for instance."

Gandalf nodded at the rest of the fellowship who were all off in the land of the magic dragon by now.

"But…what exactly does Gollum want?"

"Well gee, I don't know, could it be, let's say, THE RING! Or, perhaps, Aragorn's apples? Gollum probably wants the same thing everyone else wants and is trying to kill us for these days!"

Frodo looked over his shoulder and saw Gollum peering at them between two rocks. He growled softly at Frodo. This made Frodo feel slightly nervous. Unconsciously, Frodo's fingers went up to the area around his neck where they fiddled in the way Frodo's fingers did when he was feeling intimidated like this. Suddenly, a ginormous jet of purple light shot from somewhere under Frodo's chin and hit the rock to Gollum's left. The rock exploded completely and Gollum, frightened, hurried away.

"FRODO!" Aragorn roared.

"I didn't do it!" Frodo yelled even though he really had no clue as to what he did or did not do. Aragorn strode over to him and got all up in his face. Frodo, being at least half of Aragorn's height, cowered.

"YOU PRESSED THE KNOT ON YOUR BOW TIE; ARE YOU STUPID!"

"What….?"

Aragorn took a deep breath to control his anger.

"When you press the knot on your bow tie, it shoots a blasting purple beam of light that'll kill just about anything it hits. That's why it's so important to make sure your bow tie is straight at all times: if it's not, it'll shoot a bunch of mini beams if it's touched a certain way and you won't be able to control them. You see, your bow tie can only shoot one good beam, like the one you just shot, once every seven days. It takes seven days to recharge. I wanted you to have the bow tie in case of an emergency. Now if there's an emergency in the next week, you won't be able to use it."

"Oohhhh!" Frodo exclaimed. "I get it!"

"Yeah, nice screw up on you, fool of a Baggins," Aragorn growled.

"Whoops."

"I know the way!" Gandalf suddenly yelled. Everyone turned to face Gandalf. He stood up and was beaming at everybody. "I know which way to go now."

"How do you know?" Gimli asked.

"When in doubt, always follow your nose."

"Isn't that what the Froot Loops toucan says?" Legolas questioned.

"I-well-uh…maybe-no! I made it up! Now let's go!"

The fellowship followed Gandalf and they began to walk a path to their left. Sam, Merry, and Pippin skipped arm-in-arm with each other singing Skip to My Lou. Frodo, now slightly proud of the power he had in his bow tie, kept checking every once and a while to make sure it was completely straight. Aragorn seemed to be having some kind of internal battle within himself as he walked. His hands kept sliding sneakily under his cloak, but he would snatch them away forcibly as if resisting great temptation. Frodo was the one closest to Aragorn and had he not been so obsessed with his bow tie, he might have been able to notice Aragorn's behavior and warned the others and they could have all prepared themselves to keep such a watchful eye on him that if he did try to get an apple, they could stop him from eating it. But no, Frodo was stupid and didn't pay any attention to anything but his bow tie. And that, boys and girls, is why only fools like Frodo. Okay, well maybe that's not completely why, but I've got to get back to the story and stop rambling.

Eventually, they arrived in a very large, regal hall full of beauty. Gandalf even allowed his staff's light to shine brighter than it already was so they could see better. The whole fellowship stopped to gaze around, awed. Gimli, of course, had to ruin the moment. He yelled and ran to a chamber on the right side of the hall.

"Gimli?" Gandalf called after him. "Where are you going, fool?"

The fellowship followed Gimli into what looked like a tomb. A large, stone coffin rested in the middle of the room and there were runes written upon it. Gandalf read the runes aloud to the rest of the fellowship:

"Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, lord of Moria, and a big assload of French fries, for that was his favorite food."

Gimli kneeled on the ground and put his head on the coffin, weeping.

"He is dead then," Gandalf said.

"Ya think?" Boromir said sarcastically.

Gandalf ignored him and picked up a large, dusty book. He handed his pointy hat and his staff to Pippin so that he could hold the book better. He read it aloud, muttering stuff about, "We cannot get out," and, "Drums", and finished with looking up sadly at the others and said, "They are coming."

Right on cue, the second time someone in the fellowship had to ruin a dramatic moment in the last five minutes, there was a loud crashing sound as Pippin prodded a skull that was attached to a whole lot of chains and some other stuff and already sitting precariously on the edge of something like a well, and the stuff went crashing down it. Pippin faced the others as the items could be heard clanking loudly whilst they fell very far. He winced with each crash as the members of the fellowship watched him in horror. Once everything had finished falling, Gandalf strode angrily up to Pippin and seized his staff and hat as if worried about Pippin getting them dirty.

Gandalf snapped, "Fool of a Took-"

"Hey, that's my line!" Aragorn barked.

"-throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"

"You stole my line from me! I said it to Frodo first!"

But then everyone froze where they were; they could hear loud booms off in a distance that sounded like running.

"Oh, crap," Bill muttered.

Aragorn and Boromir rushed to the doors to bar them shut and Gandalf ordered for the hobbits to get behind him. They all pulled out their little swords and Gandalf held up a sword in one hand and his staff in the other. Gandalf stood on top of the coffin and held his axe at the ready. Legolas nocked an arrow on his bow and aimed towards the door. Just as Boromir was closing his door, an arrow flew through the air and hit the door, narrowly missing his face. He pulled his head back in the tomb and he and Aragorn used some old weapons they found to bar the doors. They both stepped back by Legolas and got their bows ready to shoot as well.

"They have a cave troll," Boromir said in an annoyed voice. Orcs on the other side of the doors began to hack at the doors, which everyone knew would not stay shut very long. The archers shot arrows through the holes the orcs made and killed a few of the orcs trying to get in, but eventually, the doors toppled over as many orcs came charging in to attack.

Aragorn and Boromir put away their bows and began to use their swords. Gimli jumped from the coffin with a yell and wielded his axe ferociously. Gandalf ran forward with his staff and sword and the hobbits followed him.

After a few minutes of battling the orcs, the cave troll that Boromir had mentioned came stomping in. It roared loudly and began to attack with the chains it dragged from its wrists. It lashed one at Legolas, but Legolas dodged it. It whipped it at him again, but Legolas moved so that the chain was wrapped around a pillar. Legolas then hopped onto the chain and onto the troll. He shot it with an arrow and then jumped back off of the troll so as to avoid getting hit by one of its thrashing limbs.

The troll then turned to Frodo, Merry, and Pippin, who were all together. It made to attack at them but Merry and Pippin both jumped to their left, behind one pillar, and Frodo jumped to his right, behind a different pillar (there's lots of pillars around here in case you haven't noticed). Frodo pressed himself against the wall of the pillar and slid around to another side of it. He could hear the troll's breathing as it looked around the pillar to find him. Then it decided to switch sides so Frodo slid the other way. He peered around the corner and, as he did not see the troll there, he relaxed. Well, what do you know! The troll appeared on the OTHER side. Gee, I wonder if that ever occurred to Frodo…

Frodo, being the smart person that he was, fell over and began to crawl backwards, away from the troll. Then, Aragorn leaped in front of him with a spear to save Frodo's ass and stabbed the troll in the stomach. The troll roared in pain, but then swiped a hand at Aragorn and he flew into the wall, which knocked him unconscious. Well, that sucks. The troll then pulled the spear out of its stomach and advanced on Frodo.

Being the caring person that he was, Frodo ran over to the unconscious Aragorn and tried to wake him up so that Aragorn could once again save Frodo's ass. When Aragorn did not wake up, however, Frodo looked over his shoulder and saw the troll aiming his spear at him. He ducked and the spear point hit the area of wall right above Aragorn's head.

The troll did not miss the second time, though. It lunged at Frodo and the blow caught him in the stomach.

"Oaw!" Frodo gasped as the wind was knocked out of him. "Shnikies! That…hurts…."

Frodo fell face forward (sweet! Yet ANOTHER brilliant alliteration, made by me. Please bow down) on the ground.

The fact that Frodo appeared to be dead seemed to, for unknown reasons, infuriate the other seven members of the fellowship who were still fighting. Bill was fluttering above Aragorn's face, hoping he would awaken soon, Frodo was probably dead, and Aragorn was unconscious so they were the ones that were not fighting. At that point, all of the orcs were killed, but the troll remained. Pippin managed to climb on top of the troll and stabbed it in the head. Legolas took advantage of the moment that the troll brought its head up to roar in agony and shot it in the throat. The troll, dumbfounded, grabbed at its throat with his tongue sticking out and fell on the ground, very obviously dead.

Everyone rushed over to Frodo. Aragorn, now awake, crawled over to him. He flipped him over and, to everyone's surprise, Frodo was breathing. He sat up and pulled the spear out of his stomach. He looked around at everyone as if confused.

"What?" he asked.

"That spear would have skewered a wild boar, and yet, you're alive…how is this?" Aragorn demanded. Frodo unbuttoned his shirt (this made Boromir feel a squirm of excitement) and revealed the Mythril vest that Bilbo had given to him.

"Dude, you so cheated," Legolas said, shaking his head.

"Seriously, Frodo, where's OUR Mythril, ay?" Merry asked sharply.

"Er…" Frodo said.

"Guys, no time!" Gandalf said anxiously. "We've got to get out of here!"

Gandalf ran out of the tomb and the others followed him, giving Frodo dirty looks.

"Teacher's pet," Merry growled before he too followed. Frodo went last, turning his attention back to his bow tie.

The fellowship all stopped in the middle of the hall for a moment. Gandalf was apparently thinking about the best route to go. Before they could do anything else, however, loads of goblins came climbing down from pillars and the fellowship found themselves quickly surrounded by an army of them. Frodo and Aragorn were the only ones who did not draw weapons. Frodo, who was once more closest to Aragorn, was fiddling with his bow tie and Aragorn was reaching under his cloak. This time, he did not draw his hand back. Had anyone looked into his eyes, they would have seen a fiery gleam there that did not belong. He pulled out an apple.

Frodo was, again, too busy worrying about his bow tie to notice.

Aragorn took a bite of the apple.

The others all looked around at the sound of the crunching noise and their hearts filled with despair. They already had an army of goblins surrounding them. What else would come?

There was a distant, grumbling roar and all of the goblins scattered away, frightened. Aragorn took a second bite of the apple and, as he was chewing on it, Legolas knocked the rest of it out of his hand. Aragorn swallowed the second bite of apple and Legolas patted him hard on his cheek. Aragorn blinked, then realized who he was and what had happened; he hung his head and groaned.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

There was another roar, closer this time, and the fellowship could now see extremely bright light flood the doorway to the next hall.

"What is this new devilry?" Boromir asked quietly. Gandalf was gazing toward the doorway sadly, wearily.

"This foe is beyond any of you," he said. "RUN!"

As a louder roar sounded, the fellowship ran in the opposite direction as quickly as they could.

Drums started booming somewhere in the background.

"I wonder if I might lose some weight with this running," Sam said aloud.

"You will if you run faster!" Boromir called.

While Sam ran faster to burn calories, the rest of the fellowship ran faster to save their lives.


	9. Escaping the Balrog

The fellowship sprinted through a door, Boromir in the lead. He was feeling all superior about this until he flung his right foot forward and found that it did not hit solid ground. He was on the edge of a cliff and he swung his arms out madly to keep himself from falling. Then, Legolas came over and pulled Boromir away.

"Fool of a Boromir!" Legolas cursed, slapping Boromir across the face.

"I wish everyone would stop stealing my line," Aragorn sighed wearily.

"Er…aren't you kinda sorta supposed to say that with my last name?" Boromir asked Legolas.

"Yes, but I don't KNOW your last name……fool!"

Boromir sighed.

"Aragorn, we need to talk," Gandalf said, gesturing at Aragorn to walk over to him.

"Look, Gandalf, if it's about the apple-"

"It is not about the apple," Gandalf said urgently. "Listen, I need you to lead them on."

"………Isn't that kinda sorta your job?"

"Yes, but I kinda sorta have to be alive in order to do that, don't I?"

Aragorn scrutinized Gandalf, looking him up and down.

"You look alive to me," Aragorn said slowly. "You just look really…old……"

There was another loud roar.

"Aragorn, you don't get it," Gandalf said impatiently. "Swords are no more use here! Now go!"

Aragorn shrugged, then ran ahead of the others and lead them down a staircase.

What really sucked was that there was a large chunk of it missing, forming a large gap and making two staircases. They all stopped at the edge of the first staircase.

WHOOSH

Something flew past Legolas' ear with a whining sound. They all looked up to see that there were orcs and goblins in other areas of the massive, ruined, and crumbling hall, shooting arrows at them.

Legolas jumped the gap.

"Gandalf, come," he said, beckoning at the wizard. He hesitated for a moment, then jumped the gap too. Boromir grabbed Merry and Pippin in his arms and jumped. The three of them made it, but the weight caused more of the second staircase to crumble away, leaving the gap larger than before. Aragorn, inspired, said, "Sam," grabbed the hobbit, and tossed him across the gap. Sam soared through the air, going, "Wheeee!" Aragorn reached for Gimli. The dwarf held up his hand and said stubbornly, "No one tosses a dwarf!" He made a daring leap, his feet landing on the edge of the second staircase, but his body falling backwards into the empty air. Legolas grabbed him by the beard and pulled him up, as Gimli yelled, "Not the beard!" Once Gimli was safely standing on the second staircase, Legolas slapped him across the face saying, "Damn you, Gimli, son of Groin."

"Don't make fun of my daddy's name!" Gimli snapped.

That left Aragorn and Frodo on the first staircase.

A large part of the ceiling fell on a spot on the first staircase, behind Aragorn and Frodo. It caused a hefty piece of the first staircase to collapse. Now Aragorn and Frodo could not even turn back; they would have to make it across to the others somehow. When Gimli had jumped, another bit of the second staircase had crumbled away too and now, the gap between was larger than ever.

Aragorn did notice, however, that when the rock behind them had collapsed, the "staircase" (it was hardly a staircase anymore) began to move around. Aragorn conjured a stake from, like, nowhere, and grabbed Frodo by the arm. He began to use their weight to shift the wrecked "staircase" forward, towards the one the rest of the fellowship was on. How this actually worked, I cannot tell you, considering that Aragorn weighed about one-hundred fifty pounds, Frodo weighed about seventy pounds, and the things Aragorn carried on his back weighed about twenty-five pounds. I don't know about you, but I don't think it would be that easy to move a piece of stone stairs with about two hundred forty-five pounds. Oh well, because Aragorn and Frodo were able to pull it off.

On Aragorn's command, both he and Frodo leaned forward and as the staircase broke off somewhere below them, it fell forwards and Aragorn and Frodo were propelled towards the others. Sam caught Frodo and Legolas caught Aragorn.

"I am just saving EVERYBODY today, aren't I?" Legolas exclaimed cheerfully. The fellowship immediately continued to sprint, glancing behind them to see the staircase falling into the abyss.

After they were out of that hall and entering a new one, one with an exit from Moria across it, Gandalf slowed down. He stopped, and turned around to see the creature that was chasing them. His fears were confirmed right then. It was a balrog, a massive demon with fire emaciated around it. It opened its mouth wide and roared at Gandalf.

Gandalf turned and continued to sprint after the others.

"I KEEL YOU!" the balrog shouted, giving chase once more.

The fellowship began to run across a long bridge: the famous bridge of Khazad-Dum. Everyone reached the end of it, but Gandalf stopped about halfway across and turned to face the balrog.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Gandalf yelled.

The others stopped and turned, taking notice of Gandalf standing up to the balrog. Boromir grabbed Frodo, using the excuse of preventing him to rush to Gandalf's aid to cuddle. Aragorn stood there, watching in fearful shock.

The balrog reared up, roaring, "I KEEL YOU DEAD, MEESTER WIZARD WITH THE POINTY HAT!" It pulled up a long, fiery whip. Gandalf held up his staff.

"I am a servant of the secret fire of the flame of Anor. Dark fire will not avail you! Flame of Udun!"

The balrog cracked his whip threateningly.

"YOU-SHALL NOT-PAAASS!" Gandalf boomed, even louder than he was at Caradhras. He swung his staff upward, then slammed it down upon the ground in front of him. The rest of the bridge in front of him collapsed and the balrog fell with it, still yelling persistently, "I KEEL YOU! I KEEL YOU! I KEEEEEL YOOOOUU!"

Gandalf stood at the edge of what remained of the bridge, watching the balrog fall. Then, he turned to walk back across to the others.

"See, guys, I know what I'm doi-" Gandalf began, but was cut off when he felt the fiery whip of the balrog fly upwards and wrap around his ankle. "Oh damn!" he swore. The whip pulled him to the ground and dragged him to the edge of the bridge, but was then forced to let go as the balrog fell out of reach. Gandalf was holding on to the edge of the bridge. He stared at the rest of the fellowship with wide eyes. "Fly, you fools!" he ordered.

"I can fly," Sam stated calmly, right before Gandalf fell, like the staircase, into the abyss.

The fellowship began to run up the stairs and outside as arrows flew at them from more orcs. Boromir was carrying Frodo. He stopped at the doorway, noticing that Aragorn was not following the others, but standing there, watching the spot where Gandalf fell in sad disbelief.

"Aragorn!" Boromir called, then continued out the doorway.

"He's right, Aragorn," Bill said quietly while on his nose. Strange as it was, Bill had fallen asleep, glued to Aragorn's nose, when they had left Balin's tomb, and had just woken up in time to see Gandalf fall. "We need to get out of here."

Aragorn nodded, coming to his senses, then ran up the steps, dodging arrows. He stopped at the doorway to give the spot where Gandalf had fallen one last desperate look. Then, he went outside.

The rest of the fellowship were scattered among a large area of jagged rocks. The hobbits were all sitting down, crying. Boromir was convincing a sputtering Gimli to stay outside. Legolas was standing there, looking rather confused. Aragorn wiped off his sword, then instructed Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli to get the hobbits up. He then realized who was missing.

"Frodo?" Aragorn called, looking around. He spotted Frodo already about thirty feet ahead of them, walking forward. "Frodo!" Aragorn called loudly, his voice echoing around them. Frodo stopped walking and turned around to face Aragorn with watery, swollen eyes. He began to walk back toward the others.

"It's my fault," Frodo whispered.

The rest of the fellowship: …………………

"It's not Aragorn's fault for biting the apple; he is at the point where he cannot resist the power anymore, but I should have noticed his funny behavior before he bit it. I was the nearest, I could have stopped him, and the balrog would not have come. It would not have killed Gandalf, but I was too excited about my bow tie. And that's another thing: if I had not been stupid enough to use up my one good beam, I could have killed the balrog instantly. I'm sorry. I'm stupid! It's my fault Gandalf is dead, not Aragorn's."

"Uh, we already decided that earlier, Frodo, no offense," Boromir said.

Aragorn took a few steps ahead.

"We need to get moving," he said tersely. "By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs."

The rest of the fellowship began to follow him quietly.

"Who knows how to write and walk at the same time?" Aragorn asked.

"I do," Legolas answered baldly. "I'm talented that way."

"Then write a letter to the Guinness Book of World Records saying that Gandalf broke his old world record of the loudest shout ever." Aragorn tossed a tape recorder with a tape in it over his shoulder.

The fellowship traveled through the night. In the bright morning, Aragorn jogged ahead of the others to get a first view of an area of woods that they needed to enter. He stopped, and grinned broadly as he looked upon the forest of Lothlorien.


	10. Haldir Says

"Yo, guys!" Aragorn called over his shoulder. "Hurry up! We're almost in Lothlorien."

The rest of the fellowship hastened to catch up with Aragorn at his words.

"You know, Aragorn," Legolas said, "I told you I could walk and write at the same time, but that doesn't mean I can RUN and write at the same time!"

Aragorn ignored him. Legolas pouted, signed the letter to the Guinness Book of World Records with a flourish, pocketed it, and picked up the pace.

Everyone stopped running once they were right by Aragorn.

"Okie donkers, I want you all to stay quiet once we're in the woods, got it?" Aragorn said.

"But Lothlorien is my home!" Legolas said indignantly. "I'm sure we'll be welcome here."

"Yeah, well, that's what Gimli thought too, but we weren't very welcome in Moria, now were we?"

"Yes," Legolas agreed, "but elves aren't stupid enough to get themselves killed by a bunch of goblins and orcs, are they?"

"What's that mean, ay, what's that mean!" Gimli said heatedly.

"It means," Legolas said calmly, "that elves are about a billion times smarter than dwarves.Gimli raised his axe threateningly.

"You wanna go, pal!" he exclaimed. "Let's take this outside!"

"We ARE outside."

Gimli took a step closer to Legolas, raising his axe higher. "I keel you, elf!"

Legolas pulled an arrow from his quiver, quick as a flash.

"Raise that axe any higher and I'll shove this arrow into your chest!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"CHRIST, YOU TWO BICKER LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE!" Aragorn yelled. "Both of you shut the goddamn hell up and put your weapons away or so help me I will WILLINGLY get an apple and eat it! Now let's get moving and stay quiet! Mon dieu!"

Aragorn, fuming, stalked toward the woods.

"Did you know Aragorn knew French?" Merry muttered to Sam, who shook his head.

The woods were indeed quite strange. They possessed a feeling of magic to the air and all was unnervingly still and quiet. The leaves blew about gracefully but other than that, there was no visible activity in the woods.

Gimli, most unhelpfully, commenced to talk quietly to Frodo and Sam about an evil witch that was supposed to live in the woods according to legend. This talk gave Sam such a fright that he let go of Frodo's hand and walked ahead. Gimli pressed on.

"Gimli, shut UP!" Frodo hissed. "You're giving me the willy wonkers!"

"Would you prefer me to talk about dwarf women?" Gimli asked.

Frodo stopped walking as a voice spoke in his head, a cool, whispering, chilly female voice.

"Frodo," it whispered, echoing. "These are the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, ring bearer."

"I thought I would be rid of the voices! Ahh! They're back! Get out of my head, get out of my head, get out of my head!" Frodo whimpered, pressing the palms of his hands against his forehead. He kept walking, looking over his shoulder…you know, just in case……

"Well, there's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily," Gimli growled, still going on about the "witch". "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox."

Gimli found himself face to face with the point of an arrow.

"Oh!" he said, embarrassed. The elves pointing the arrows at them and the rest of the fellowship stared at him, everyone raising an eyebrow.

"You were saying…" Boromir said, raising his hands up in surrender.

"Seriously," the leader of this group of elves said, walking closer to the fellowship. "This dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark."

"Shut up!" Gimli whined, crossing his arms and putting a pout on his face.

"Haldir of Lorien," Aragorn said breathlessly to the leading elf, "please, we are not foes; we only seek the shelter Lothlorien has to offer."

Haldir gave a kind of sideways nod to the poised elves and they lowered their bows. "I suppose," he shrugged. "But I think we should do a test to see if the dwarf is trustworthy or not."

"Of course I-" Gimli started indignantly, but Legolas cut him off.

"What kind of test?" he was watching Haldir with a hungry if-I'm-lucky-Christmas-might-just-come-early expression. Gimli glowered at him.

"He will have to play a game of Haldir Says," Haldir answered.

Gimli sighed. "Okay, fine, but no cheating!"

"Haldir says touch your nose." Gimli did so. "Haldir says pat your head. Haldir says bend down and touch your toes. Haldir says stay bent over. Haldir says smack your tush."

"Are you serious?" Gimli groaned.

"Haldir says smack your tush!" Gimli did so. "Haldir says hug Aragorn." Gimli did so. "Kiss Aragorn."

Gimli leaned forward and kissed Aragorn quickly on the lips.

"AAAAAAAHHH!" Aragorn yelled, wiping his mouth furiously while the rest of the fellowship doubled up with laughter.

"You silly!" Haldir giggled. "Haldir didn't say!"

Gimli blushed.

"Okay, you can all stay," Haldir stated. "I proved that this dwarf's intelligence was average. If it were above average, I would have been worried and not have let him in. Now follow the leader!"

Haldir strode forward, then came his elves, then the fellowship. Gimli and Aragorn both looked very disgruntled. Aragorn was muttering nasty things that sounded oddly like threats under his breath and Gimli averted his eyes from everyone else and scowled at the ground.

They arrived at Lothlorien some forty-five minutes later. Frodo noticed it was a very shiny place…very, very shiny………

Me:I LIKE SHINY!

clears throat Anyways…

Haldir and his troop of elves left the fellowship and went off…oh, I don't know…somewhere. Two elves came walking down some steps from what looked like thrones (again, it was very hard to tell because everything was so damn shiny!) and stopped a few feet away from the fellowship. One elf was a man (I am talking gender-wise, not race-wise) and the other a woman of great beauty. It was the Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel.

Galadriel surveyed the others, then her eyes rested upon Aragorn.

"You are Aragorn," she stated baldly.

"I…know…?" Aragorn said slowly, wondering if this was some kind of trick.

"You are the one with the freaky apples."

"Yes, I know…"

"You will learn a big secret about the apples."

"Really? When?"

"Whenever Gondor's TRUE queen decides you will."

"…Who?"

"The REAL queen of Gondor."

"………"

"She will tell you sometime later, but not that much later"

Me: grins She means in this story, but sometime around the end. (I am doing sequels, you know!)

"Dude, where's Gandalf?" Celeborn asked, looking around. "Gandalf?" he called. "Gaaaandaaalf?"

"Dude, he died," Aragorn said shortly.

"Dude!"

"Dude."

"Gandalf's my bro!"

"He fell into shadow," Galadriel said bluntly.

"Okay, lady, you're kind of freaky," Pippin observed.

"Yes," she said, looking at him with a maniacal grin. Pippin took a step backwards. "Do not let your hearts be troubled. You are quite safe here. You can all sleep. Aragorn, you don't even need to worry about the apples; they won't attack here."

"Check that out, bitches!" Aragorn exclaimed triumphantly.

"Welcome, Frodo of the Shire," Galadriel's voice said in Frodo's head as she looked at him, though she did not move her lips. "The one who has seen the eye!"

Frodo ran off to find a comfy spot to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Frodo woke up as abruptly as if someone had whacked him on the head. He got up, saw Galadriel walking somewhere, and decided to follow her.

She was standing in a small, circular courtyard, in the middle of which sat a strange, innocent-looking basin. She held up a pitcher and poured water into the basin as Frodo entered the courtyard tentatively.

"Will you look into the mirror?" Galadriel asked.

"That depends," Frodo responded. "What will I see?"

"Even the wisest cannot tell. For all I know, you might see a flying hippo."

"Umm…"

"Go ahead and look."

Frodo walked up to the basin, glanced back at Galadriel, and looked into it.


	11. Mirrors and Statues

At first, the water remained still, but then, ripples began to undulate inside it, and an image began to appear. Frodo leaned closer. Sam's face looked up at him from the water. Frodo contracted his eyebrows. Sam stuck his tongue out at him, then disappeared to be replaced by Merry, Pippin, and Legolas. The three of them appeared to be standing in some random field somewhere and were whispering amongst each other. Frodo distinctly heard Merry say, "One, two, three!" and each of them looked up at Frodo, shaking their heads at him in unison.

Frodo looked up at Galadriel questioningly, but she merely nodded at the mirror. He looked back into it. It was now showing the Shire, but an unrecognizable one. It was dark and there were fires everywhere. Orcs were running around, chasing screaming hobbits. Frodo gasped. The image changed again to show Sam walking dejectedly in a line of hobbits, all of whom had their wrists tied together. Orcs were walking alongside the line with whips, cracking them at the hobbits randomly.

A final image took place: the eye of Sauron. Frodo felt the ring being pulled towards the basin as though by a magnet. Voices filled his head-again-and he tried to back away from the mirror.

"Peek-a-boo!" a voice hissed. "I see you…"

"No!" Frodo cried, and fell backwards onto the ground. He scrambled to his feet, peering cautiously into the mirror. It was now back to normal and looked completely innocent.

"So…" he said slowly. "Would you like to tell me what exactly that was all about?"

"No," Galadriel answered cheerfully, "but I will anyway. You see, Frodo, this is basically what'll happen if you don't destroy the ring, what the mirror showed. Everyone will hate you and Sauron and his creepy little cronies will take over the world. Not to put any pressure on you or anything!"

"Yeah, thanks for that," Frodo growled. He sighed deeply and his shoulders slumped. "I can't do this," he whined. "It's too heavy…uggghh……"

"Poor you. Your life is so hard," Galadriel said sarcastically.

"Hey, lady," Frodo said with the air of a desperate person who has suddenly gotten an idea, "would YOU like the ring? I could give it to you………raspberries…………"

Galadriel gave a freaky grin, her eyes widening. She took a few slow steps toward Frodo and put her hand over the ring, which sat in his palm.

"Instead of a dark lord, YOU WOULD HAVE A QUEEN!" she yelled. She suddenly began to change. She grew taller and her eyes were practically popping out of her head. She was floating about an inch off the ground, her arms outstretched at her sides. She was not smiling maniacally, but baring her teeth, like a threatened dog about to attack. Frodo took a few frantic steps backward, then promptly fell over again. He was very good at that.

"A QUEEN, I TELL YOU! A DAMNED QUEEN!" she raged.

Anne Rice fans: Dude, there's already a book and movie about this. Except it's Queen of the Damned, not A Damned Queen, but have it your way.

Galadriel suddenly dropped back to her usual self. She was breathing rather hard as she stood there, gazing at the ring that had fallen on the ground.

"I have passed the test," she stated calmly in mighty contrast to her ten-seconds-ago self. "I will diminish, and go into the West-"

"Across the seeeeaaaaaa-" Frodo began to sing.

"No! Not that song!" Galadriel spat. "But, yeah, as I was saying, I will go into the West, and remain Galadriel."

"You do that, scary-elf-lady-that-while-I'm-intimidated-by-you-I'm-also-kinda-getting-the-hots-for," Frodo said as he sat on the ground.

"Will you keep the ring and do the task?"

"……"

"'Cause if you don't find a way, no one else will…I don't know why, considering there's loads of other people out there that have triple your I.Q. at least."

"Okay, okay! I'll do it! Just don't make fun of Frodo's I.Q. anymore!"

"And now you're referring to yourself in third person…how interesting…"

"I'm going to bed!" Frodo snapped. He stood up, picked up the ring, and stomped away…

The fellowship was getting ready to leave in the morning. While the others were packing their things, Boromir was sitting on a rock, lost in his own little world. In fact, it is called Boromir Land. It's right next to Oompa Loompa Land.

"C'mon, Boromir," Aragorn said as he walked by. "We need to get moving."

"Yeah," Boromir muttered absentmindedly. Aragorn sat next to him and put his arm around his shoulder. Boromir looked up at him sharply. "Um, what are you doing…?"

"Consoling you," said Aragorn brightly. "These borders are well protected, you know."

"Yeah, you told me that last night."

"So why are you all mopey?"

"'Cause my dad's a bastard to my brother."

"That it?"

"Nah, just trying really hard not to wallow in self pity about things the way Frodo does."

"Oh. Okay! Well, get up and get going then!"

Before boarding their funny little Elven boats, Galadriel gave them all gifts. She gave Frodo a nifty flashlight; Merry and Pippin some daggers; Sam some lembas bread ("One bite is enough to fill a grown man's stomach!" she advertised); new arrows for Legolas; a cool hunting knife for Aragorn; nothing for Boromir, 'cause he sucks; and some armpit hairs requested by Gimli. The fellowship thanked her, then divided into their three boats. Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam got in one together; Boromir, Merry, and Pippin in another; and Legolas and Gimli shared their own. They began to paddle along the river. Frodo looked over his shoulder at Galadriel. She had her hand held up high, the palm facing out.

"I used to be a crossing guard!" she called out to them. Frodo nodded, and resumed facing the front.

After a while, they approached a pass between two very tall, old, and noble statues. They both had their hands out in the same way Galadriel did.

"The Argonath…" Aragorn breathed in awe.

"Stop!" gruff voices issued from both of the statues. "In the name of love! Before you break my heart…"

"Dude, they sing," Gimli said.

"Hell yes!" said Aragorn excitedly as their boats drifted past the statues. "I've always wanted to look upon my old kings!"

"If Aragorn starts singing love songs I may have to borrow Legolas's bow and shoot someone," Pippin murmured darkly to Merry, who nodded.

A log floated past their boats. A creepy little voice from somewhere near it said, "I am SO damned sneaky!"

"Hi, Gollum," Legolas called.

"Dammit," the voice said. There was a splash and the log floated away, this time with no one attached to it.

The fellowship turned their boats to shore once they came to the Falls of Rauros. They all began to climb out of their boats and unload their things. Legolas stood on the edge of the woods and looked sharply at the woods on the opposite bank. He then walked up to Aragorn.

"We should go," he said quietly. "A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something draws near. I can feel it!"

Aragorn gazed at Legolas with mild concern. He clapped him on the shoulder and said, "Remember the talk we had about the monsters in the closet? This is just like that. There is nothing bad in the woods. It's only your overactive imagination."

"Hey, guys," Frodo said, "I think I'm gonna wander off, okay?"

No one seemed to have noticed. Frodo turned away, and walked into the woods. He walked off for a while. These woods were quite calm and peaceful. He looked interestedly at some extremely large statue heads that were sticking out of the ground. Really, it was like a museum.

He hadn't even heard it coming…hadn't heard the sound of footsteps that maybe could have warned him to prepare himself or flee, but he hadn't heard a sound until it was too late……

"Hello, Frodo," a menacing voice said cooly behind him. Slowly, Frodo turned around.


	12. The Fellowship Breaks Up

Aragorn looked around at the fellowship. The rest of them were all sitting on the ground, resting. He realized, however, that neither Frodo nor Boromir were amongst them.

"Guys, have you seen Frodo and Boromir?" he asked, frowning.

The others looked around, and looks of awareness came upon their faces. Sam jumped up.

"Uh oh…" he mumbled.

"Shadow and a threat," Legolas sang, looking up at the sky. Aragorn stuck out his tongue at him.

"I'll go look for them," Aragorn volunteered, stalking away. "Oh and Legolas," he called over his shoulder, "there's a tangle in your hair."

He smirked as he heard a distinct gasp of panic behind him, and strode deeper into the woods of Amon Hen.

Meanwhile, Frodo turned around to see the hulking figure of Boromir approaching him. He was not sure why, but Boromir's presence was unnerving him. He was walking toward him with slow, subtle steps and his visage was menacing. Frodo took a few steps backward.

"Heya, Boromir," Frodo tried to say in an offhand voice. "Whatcha doing?"

"Being scary," Boromir answered cheerfully. "Listen, I know why you seek solitude."

"Um, what do you mean?"

"I've seen you at night, when you think the rest of us are asleep. You cuddle the ring. You stroke it. You give it pet names…"

"So-so what if I do?" Frodo attempted to ask indignantly. Boromir stepped closer; he stepped back.

"We're all afraid, Frodo," breathed Boromir quietly.

"Can you please cut to the chase and tell me what you want?"

"Fine. I want to borrow the ring."

"Ummm…..no."

"GIVE ME THE RING!"

"NO!"

"ROOOOAAARRRRR!"

"OH MY GOD!"

Frodo instinctively ran away from Boromir. Boromir chased after him, his eyes bulging and his lips held back in a snarl. But Frodo could not outrun him. He felt the large body jump on his back and pin him to the ground. Frodo tasted dirt and leaves and tried to roll over so he was lying on his back. Boromir, on the other hand, took care of this for him and flipped him over while still lying on top of him.

"Give me the ring!" he growled.

"Uh-uh!" Frodo said, shaking his head frantically.

Boromir snatched at the ring hanging from around Frodo's neck. Frodo did the best to fight him off. He wondered for a moment whether Boromir really wanted the ring, or if he was using it as an excuse to have a cuddle with Frodo. This thought disturbed him greatly and motivated him more to get Boromir off of him. He slapped away Boromir's hands, grabbed the ring, and slipped it over his index finger, disappearing from sight.

Boromir became confused, and Frodo escaped, scrambling away from him. Boromir looked around wildly.

"FRODO, WHERE ARE YOU!" he yelled angrily. Frodo seized a log, and whacked Boromir across the head with it, stifling giggles. He delved deeper into the woods, looking over his shoulder to see Boromir fall to the ground.

He began to run backwards. This way, he could keep an eye on Boromir. The Gondorian man stood up, crying. He began to bellow that he was sorry and looked around frantically. Frodo did not listen to him. He continued to run backwards minutes after Boromir was out of his sight. He then turned around to run normally, but promptly collided into something, and fell on the ground. He shook his head to clear it, then looked up to see what he had crashed into……

Back by the river's edge, Legolas was anxious, panicking wildly…

"OH MY GOD, I NEED A MIRROR!" he yelled at the others, who were trying to calm him…and failing spectacularly.

"Legolas, there is no tangle in your hair," Merry said.

"Don't lie to me! I know there is! I can't see it though!"

He dashed over to the water's edge and stared at his reflection, turning his head different directions. He then pulled a purple brush with sparkles on it from inside his cloak and brushed frantically at his long, sleek, overly groomed blonde hair.

"What the fuck, Legolas!" Sam exclaimed. "We have no idea of the whereabouts of Mr. Frodo and all you can think about is your hair!"

Legolas turned to him, walking up to him, looking fierce.

"I may be only able to think about my hair, but YOU'RE only able to think about YOUR LOVER!"

Sam's jaw dropped and Legolas stalked back over to the river. Gimli walked over to Legolas, then did the unexpected and wrapped his arm around Legolas's waist.

"It's okay, Legolas," he said gently. "I understand you."

Legolas stopped brushing his hair to look down at Gimli, and smiled warmly.

"Thank you, Gimli," he said.

The three hobbits all looked at each other, raising their eyebrows and muttering darkly….

Yeah, you could definitely say tensions were a little high.

Aragorn was walking through the woods. Bill stood up on his nose. He had suddenly become very hyper. Aragorn understood, however; this was just how butterflies were: they slept continuously for days, then abruptly became extremely energetic, but to the point sometimes of being annoying.

"Greetings, Starshine!" he exclaimed. "The earth says hello!"

"Hey, Willy Wonka is my hero; don't make fun of him," Aragorn said threateningly.

"I'm not! He's my idol too! What's going on, Aragorn?" he asked.

"I have to find Frodo and hope Boromir isn't harassing him," Aragorn growled.

"Ooh, that sounds like fun!" Bill said, clapping his-um-legs…? I don't know; what do you call a butterfly's body parts that are closest to resembling his hands, 'cause I don't really know.

"Yeah," Aragorn muttered (muttered!). "Loads of spanking fun."

"We get to spank someone?"

Aragorn remained silent.

A teenage girl was standing in front of Frodo. She was dressed mostly in black, but Frodo was confused by her clothes: they were definitely not from the third age. She looked as if she were about fifteen or sixteen with chin-length auburn hair and dark brown eyes. For whatever strange reason, she was also glowing.

"Uh…who are you?" Frodo asked tentatively.

"Gondor's TRUE queen," the girl answered. "And DO watch where you're going, will you? 'Cause you kinda ran into me."

"Oh, sorry. Wait…Gondor's true queen…hang on! YOU'RE supposed to tell me something more about Aragorn's apples!"

"Yeah," the girl said dully. "Okay. Well, you know how you've got to destroy the ring and stuff?"

"Yes…"

"Well, the thing is this: if you destroy the ring, you will destroy Sauron and all his dominions, which you already know. But if you destroy the ring, Aragorn's apples will destroy the rest of the life in Middle Earth, wipe it all out completely and painfully."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!" Frodo asked incredulously.

"Unfortunately. If you work together, though, you can stop this."

"How?"

"You see, you need to destroy the apples within the same minute you destroy the ring, and I mean, ALL of the apples."

"So you want me to throw Aragorn into the fire of Mount Doom too!"

"NO!" Gondor's TRUE queen exclaimed. "Don't you EVER do that to Aragorn, you fool of a Baggins!"

"Stop calling me that," Frodo murmured.

"What you need to do is have all of the apples cast out of Aragorn. For this, you need a wizard, like Gandalf."

"But Gandalf fell into shadow!" Frodo gasped.

"So what's your point?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You'll figure it out. Listen, I don't have much time, but I need to explain without anymore interruptions. Tell Aragorn that the next time he is being pinned to the ground by a troll's foot to tell Gandalf to cast all of the apples out of him and send them to Mount Doom. If they are destroyed at the same time as the ring, Sauron will be destroyed and the rest of the world will be safe, okay?"

"I guess…I still don't get who you are and all…"

"You'll find out in good time. Hey, look, Sam's over there and he's naked!"

Gondor's TRUE queen pointed behind Frodo. He looked over his shoulder saying, "Where!" He did not see Sam, clothed or naked, however, and went to look back at Gondor's TRUE queen, but she was gone.

"That was kinda weird…" Frodo said quietly.

He continued onward for a while.

"Frodo?" a voice said behind him.

Frodo jumped and looked around. Aragorn was standing there, looking concerned.

"Ahh! Stay away!" Frodo squeaked.

"Where is the ring?"

"I'm not giving it to you!"

"FRODO!" Aragorn yelled commandingly and Frodo stopped and listened to him. Aragorn walked up to him, saying, "I swore to protect you."

"It has taken Boromir. I can't trust any of you anymore. I have to go destroy the ring by myself or terrible things will happen. Do YOU want the ring, Aragorn?"

Aragorn looked down at the ring hanging from Frodo's neck. Someone whispered, "Elessar," in his ear, but he ignored it and looked into Frodo's eyes.

"I'd go with you to the end."

"Good. Look after the others for me. Especially Sam. Their brains are too tiny; they will not understand."

"Um, Frodo, pull out your sword," Aragorn said urgently, his brow furrowed at the hilt holding Sting.

"Why?" Frodo asked apprehensively.

"It's blue! It's blue! It's blue, bitches!" Bill said excitedly, jumping up and down on Aragorn's nose. Frodo pulled out Sting slightly, and the blade indeed was glowing blue.

"Frodo, don't waste time pretending you're brave and loyal and just run, dammit!" Aragorn said hurriedly, pulling out his own sword.

"Okay! Oh, and Aragorn, the next time you're being pinned to the ground by a troll's foot, tell Gandalf to cast all of the apples out of you and send them to Mount Doom!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

"Just trust me! Bye, Aragorn! Bye, Bill!"

And without another word, Frodo ran off. Aragorn jogged in the opposite direction to find a myriad of orcs charging at him, except they were different than the typical orcs. He watched them and realized what they were.

"Uruk-hai," he muttered. "Saruman's work."

"Um, Aragorn, do you really think we can take these all by ourselves?" Bill asked fearfully.

"Hell no, but we don't really have a choice."

Aragorn rose up his sword as the Uruks came closer. Their leader was easily distinguishable at the front of them. It caught Aragorn's eye and roared in a way that told Aragorn neither would show any mercy.

Aragorn squared his shoulders and raised his chin up for a fight. He took one hand off his hilt momentarily and flicked off the Uruk leader, who's name was Lurtz. Then, Aragorn replaced his hand back upon the hilt, and ran into the mass of Uruks, yelling.

Sam had gone off on his own to look for Frodo. Merry and Pippin went together to look too. Legolas and Gimli went to look for Aragorn.

Frodo had to hide behind a tree momentarily as Uruks ran by. He glanced up to see Merry and Pippin hiding behind a rock a few feet to his left.

"Frodo!" Pippin whispered. "Hide here, quick!"

Frodo shook his head.

"What's he doing?" Pippin asked Merry.

"He's leaving," Merry supplied blandly. Frodo nodded, stood up, whispered, "You get a gold star," and continued down the hill and out of sight.

Pippin jumped out to go after him, but was promptly spotted by more oncoming Uruks. Merry jumped out too and the Uruks began to chase after them. They made to run in the opposite direction that Frodo had gone to keep them away from him. At one point, they were backed into a corner, and an Uruk was charging right at them, raising an ax. It was right up to them when-

"RAAWR! I KEEL YOU!"

Boromir had leapt in front of them, parried the blow, and killed the Uruk.

"Run!" he yelled. They did so and he chased after them, blowing the Horn of Gondor.

"Say, Boromir, can I blow the Horn of Gondor too?" Merry asked as they all ran away.

"No!"

Legolas and Gimli had found Aragorn a few minutes ago and were now helping him fight off the charge of Uruks. They were doing pretty well when they heard a horn in the distance.

"The Horn of Gondor!" Legolas stated.

"Boromir!" grunted Aragorn and he ran into the direction the horn was coming from, Legolas and Gimli following him.

Boromir, Merry, and Pippin had to stop running or the Uruks would get to them and kill them. Boromir signaled for them to back away and he fought the Uruks off, protecting them. He blew the Horn of Gondor between kills, Merry and Pippin watching anxiously, throwing their daggers to try and help out, but losing them and having no weapons left but rocks.

Boromir was fighting, but then felt a sudden blast of pain in his shoulder. He gasped, and fell to his knees: an arrow was sticking in his left shoulder. He took a few deep breaths, then stood up and continued to fight. Another arrow immediately struck him in the stomach. He gasped some more, but again, continued to fight.

"Why won't you DIE!" an evil voice growled from somewhere nearby. Merry and Pippin watched Boromir in shock.

"I," pant, pant, "KEEL," pant, pant, "YOU ALL!" Boromir gasped. He went on fighting, but was then struck a third time in the chest. He fell to his knees again, breathing hard and sweating furiously. He knew deep down that he couldn't get up again if he tried. He kneeled there, then the Uruks ran past him, scooping up Merry and Pippin. He had gone deaf momentarily, not able to hear the hobbits' voices as they were shouting, being carried away. All of the Uruks charged past him, ignoring him, and then the leader of them walked up to him.

He looked up into the face of Lurtz, who growled mercilessly at him, bring up his bow and arrow, aiming at his face. Boromir did not have the strength to fight back. He just kneeled there and watched. Lurtz pulled back the arrow, but then was sent flying to the ground as a figure hurtled at him from out of nowhere. It was Aragorn.

Aragorn began to fight fiercely with him. They both cursed and swore at each other as they did so. There was a moment when Lurtz hurled his shield at Aragorn and it pinned him to a tree by the throat. Lurtz charged at him, but Aragorn got himself free, did some more awesome fighting, then cut off Lurtz's head.

Exhausted and bloody, Aragorn rushed over to Boromir, who had managed to slide himself against a tree.

"They took the little ones!" he exclaimed. "Frodo, where is Frodo?"

"I let Frodo go," Aragorn said quietly.

"Then you did what I could not. Man, I'm such a bad person."

"No, you are not," Aragorn said sternly. "It was not your fault, but the ring's. You will have died an honorable death.

"I would have followed you to the end," Boromir smiled. "My captain, my brother, my king!"

Two seconds later, Boromir died, becoming completely still. Legolas and Gimli walked over. Aragorn kissed Boromir on the forehead, then stood up, smiling, but with a tear going down his cheek. Legolas and Gimli looked at each other and shrugged.

Frodo was back by the boats, thinking of Gandalf, and his words of wisdom. He got into a boat and began to go across the river when he heard a voice shouting behind him.

"FRODO! NO! WHERE ARE YOU GOING, MISTER?"

Frodo turned around to see Sam.

"No, Sam!" he called. "I'm going to Mordor alone!"

"Of course you are! And I'm coming with you!" Sam began to wade into the water.

"You can't swim, Sam!"

Sure enough, Sam began to sink to the bottom of the river, but was promptly pulled into Frodo's boat.

"I made a promise, Mr. Frodo," he gasped. "I promised Gandalf I would stay with you until I die!"

"Okay," Frodo shrugged. He continued to paddle across the river.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli watched the boat they had put Boromir in flow down the river and over the falls of Rauros. Legolas was talking about following Frodo and Sam, who were still visible on the Eastern Shore. Aragorn shook his head.

"Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands," he said.

"Well, we all kinda failed," Gimli stated glumly.

"We will NOT abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death!" Aragorn said indignantly. "We travel light." He looked at his friends with fierce motivation. "Let's hunt some orc!"

He ran off through Amon Hen. Legolas smiled at Gimli, who growled, "YES!" and followed after Aragorn. Legolas stood there, smiling deeply. He shook his head.

"I love my friends," he said, then ran after them.

Frodo and Sam climbed up the rocks of Emyn Muil, and looked upon the dark land in front of them, able to see Mordor.

"You think the others will be okay?" Frodo asked.

"Strider will look after them," Sam said cheerfully.

"I'm glad you're with me, Sam," Frodo said, smiling, and he walked ahead.

"Fool of a Baggins," Sam muttered happily. He jogged after Frodo, knowing already that he would follow him to whatever end….

To be continued with a sequel: Aragorn's Apples: The Two Towers…and Apples. Coming soon to a computer near you!


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